Yesterday, I received the following email and, since it is similar to many emails I receive from Christian husbands, I thought my responses might be helpful to others. Forgive my overuse of really bad “car analogies”…

Hello,

I have only recent found your resources online and am finding them extremely interesting.  I have purchased and am reading Sexual Skills for the Christian Husband.  I’ve also just purchased the books on Sexual Positions and Games.  I am looking forward to getting through all of these materials.

I would consider myself a highly sexual person.   I have been for as long as I can remember.  I have been married 10 years to a wonderful woman, but she just is not into sex at all.  That is probably not uncommon as I am learning.  While I have yet to get into the meat of your books, what I am trying to do is help her increase her desire for sex and for her to know that sex is okay and not something she should be ashamed for enjoying.  When we do have sex, she really enjoys her orgasm.   She does not, however, get “into it” as much as I do.  She is content lying there and letting me get on, get it done, and then get off.  The good part though is that we are both open to working on our sexual relationship, large part due to your resources.  Thank you!

With that said, my question is:  Is there any place for pornography in a Christian marriage?  I think I know the answer, but I am not sure.  As much as I should not be involved with pornography, it stimulates me very much.  I often think it would be fun to use it together to take us down a different avenue and show her what else may be out there.

I am guessing your a busy man, but I would appreciate any thoughts you’d care to share.

Thank you and God Bless!

~Justin

Justin,

Thanks for the purchases. I hope you find them valuable.

All things that come to those that are patient. If your wife is open to exploring and growing and you are open to being patient, you are destined to grow closer and improve your sex life.

It is possible to say that, generally, women are less interested in sex…when not having sex.

As a fact of nature, men are ALWAYS thinking about sex/interested in sex. Women are (generally speaking) less inclined to be thinking about/looking forward to sex at any given moment.

This does NOT mean that women are actually any less sexual. It just means that they are different. As you will find in our books, it is very important to understand the differences between males and females, sexually, so that you can benefit from the differences.

Males are very easy to “turn on” and make ready for sex. For most, it takes no more than a glance at a bare part of your wife’s body (most any part will do…huh?).

Women are a little “slower to start.” They aren’t as easily turned on visually or just by the thought of sex; they need to “rev the engines” a bit before they really start to “run hot” (sorry for the poor automobile analogies).

This means that a) You have to start a little slower and b) She needs to be willing to “rev the engines.”

If your current sex life is less than spontaneous, it is best to NOT leave things to chance.

Start to actively plan your sexual time together.

Treat it the same as you would when planning to rent and watch a movie together…”Friday night we are going to make love.”

This allows both of you to build up some excitement and anticipation and it removes the pressure of dealing with trying to make things happen at “the wrong time.”

It also gives you the chance to prime the engines (another lame analogy?) ahead of time. You can consciously do EVERYTHING you can think of to create the proper mood/environment to ensure that it is a positive experience for your wife. Flowers? Candy? Maybe YOU do the dishes that night? Most women’s sexual desires are driven by their feelings of love and appreciation for their husband. Unlike most men…whose feelings of love and appreciation are (many times) driven by their sexual desires.

Once you are actually alone together, you need to take it slower. Hugging, kissing and foreplay, foreplay, foreplay! Do everything possible to demonstrate to her that you appreciate her AND the opportunity to be with her sexually. And, in most cases, START WITH HER PLEASURE. If she does not always reach orgasm through intercourse, be sure that you help her to climax in some other way…before you do.

Humans are motivated by pleasure. If you can create a track record of successfully making her pleasure a priority and helping her to achieve orgasms (or multiple orgasms) during EVERY sexual interaction, you won’t have to work very hard to get her “more interested”; orgasms are a powerful motivation of their own.

The “other side of the coin” relative to the differences between men and women is that, once the engines are revving (sorry…can’t help myself), women’s sexual “engines” tend to run hotter and longer than do men’s. Generally, their sexual experiences (done correctly) are deeper and more intense…but they take longer (and more effort) to maintain and bring to fruition. So, you need to be willing to take the time and attention to do WHATEVER it takes to bring her to fulfillment.

I think you will find that if you are wiling to be patient and focus on HER needs/pleasure, everything will fall into place quite nicely…you may have to (occasionally) tell her you’re not in the mood!

As a “Christian” advisor, I can not recommend pornography as a valid “marital aid.” Although I am not completely sold on many Christian’s definition of “pornography,” I still feel the Scriptures make it fairly clear that focusing our sexual attention/desires on anyone other than our spouse is less than ideal. And, as a counselor in general, I have never seen the use of pornography to be a truly helpful or productive strategy; it is one of those things that seems like a good idea…until you actually try it. This would be especially true if your current sex life is less than ideal…who needs the extra pressure or potential problems?

One of the amazing and mysterious things about sex between two completely uninhibited and passionate lovers is that they get lost in each other; nothing or no one else compares to the ecstasy that they are finding in the moment…in their marriage bed. Everything else is just a bad copy of what is possible…right at your fingertips (or tongue!).

I hope this helps.

Robert