But, I do get frustrated that similarly helpful studies are FAR AND FEW BETWEEN (Maybe once or twice a year I find a scientific study that might amount to information we didn’t know in 1952)…

So, when I do stumble across a study that appears significant, I can’t help but feel annoyed that we have to wait till 2010 for scientists to bring our scientific knowledge of female sexuality and sexual response into this century…let alone this decade…or year.

But, I digress…

Recently, scientists did a study that seems to confirm many of the things that I have believed (and have been telling you) about the basic mechanics of female sexual response.

As you know, we have been doing our best to “push back” against the scientific and religious myths that can wreak havoc on a woman’s sexual potential…and YOUR ability to help her reach it.

We’ve told you to stop believing that achieving a “vaginal orgasm” through intercourse is not the “end all, be all” for your wife.

We’ve been “shouting from the rooftops” the fact that 99% of female sexuality and sexual response is “a clitoral thing.”

We’ve “stuck to our guns” on the fact that we believe the G Spot exists, but…

The G Spot is, most likely, A PART OF THE CLITORIS, ultimately, and that ALL female orgasms are, essentially, “clitoral” orgasms. We have thought (and taught) for years, now, that those deeper orgasms that some refer to as “vaginal orgasms” are, most likely, VERY similar to the deeper type of orgasms that men achieve through prostate stimulation and that the G Spot is, basically, the female prostate.

Yes, you (and your wife) CAN have the best of all worlds…both “clitoral” and “vaginal” orgasms…IF…You know how to navigate the female sexual anatomy AND how to correctly stimulate it.

Because the science of female sexuality is not as far along as it should be, we have been forced to advocate all of the above, in some cases, based solely on our experience and “gut feeling.”

This study seems to confirm that, ultimately, science will confirm that our hunches were correct.

You can read about the study here:

G Spot Study

But, here’s the thing…

You don’t have to wait (another ten years?) until science finally catches up with what we already know.

You don’t have to waste another day (let alone year) experiencing anything less than a completely pleasurable and fulfilling sex life.

Check out some of the resources here on ChristianSexFacts.com and start transforming your marriage and sex life TODAY…

P.S. The images in this post are some of the most revealing and enlightening (ultrasound) images we’ve seen in quite some time. If you ever wondered what the female sexual anatomy REALLY looks like, these pictures may surprise you.

P.S.S. If you’ve ever heard us talk about how male and female sexual anatomy are VERY similar…and doubted us…you HAVE to see these pics!

In my last few emails, I talked about how, as Christian married people, we needed to celebrate and be grateful for the joys of marriage.

I asked you to send me your testimonies about the joy and fulfillment that you find in yours. (If you haven’t yet, please do!).

A few days ago, I received a copy of an amazing book that is truly unique… It celebrates the beauty and romance and sensual nature of Christian married love in a way that I don’t remember seeing before… It is written by Michael A.G Haykin and is, essentially an anthology of love letters written between Christian married couples.

The editorial description… “Marriage is under siege in our time, and Christian unions are not going unscathed… Dr. Michael A. G. Haykin believes that love letters written by Christian husbands and wives of the past can help strengthen the ties that bind believing spouses today… In this anthology, he brings together letters from one or both parties in twelve significant relationships from church history…

The contents range from courtship communications to proposals of marriage to final words before dying, but most have to do with the ups and downs of married life. In the end, The Christian Lover is a celebration of marriage, an intimate window into the thoughts of men and women who were deeply in love with both God and one another…” You can watch a few videos of him talking about his book below:

Part Two…

I think it caught my attention, partially, because the emails that ALWAYS stand out the most for me are those that contain “potential irony;” if I feel as if, by responding to the request for advice, I may be skirting the line of “do as I say, not as I do,” I am almost magnetically drawn to them.

And, this one, did exactly that…

Dear Robert and Susan,
Your letter is sincere and honest.  Bravo to you and Susan and your ministry!  I have never bought anything from your ministry, but I will take you up on your kind offer.
I am recently married for the 3rd and final time.  My new wife has commented that she (age 46) seems to have a much higher sex drive than me (age 50).  It is true.
I do love sex when we have it but my desire to “jump her bones” has certainly dwindled it seems.
She has gained over 50 pounds since we got married 7 months ago.  I am a very visual person if you know what I mean.  I have recently found myself not even being able to keep an erection at times.
Any hints?

Do I have lots of potential “Christian Sex Guy” advice/bon mots on the tip of my tongue…ready to roll off…with no effort and/or thought…for this man?

Yep. Tons.

I’ll give you a quick synopis of what comes to mind (all “true,” but not always “accurate”)…

1) It is completely normal for a middle aged woman to have a much higher sex drive than her 50 year old husband. Statistically, it would be strange if it were not so.

2) There is a vast difference between the type of sexual “desire” that only happens in the movies (or romance novels, I’m told) and the real world in which sexual activity between married partners happens WITHOUT any huge desire to jump anyone’s bones.

3) If you’re a  middle-aged couple and you haven’t both become a little heavier and “worse for the wear” by now, you are probably sociopathic regarding your fitness/appearance (*Note: Do NOT take the time to respond to this last comment. It is not meant as a scientific statement; it’s just me being mean to the skinny people).

4) EVERYONE is a very visual person (apologies to our visitors reading this post through a Visually Impaired RSS feed).

5) Once you get to the ripe old age of 18, “not being able to keep an erection at times” is NOT an explanation of a problem; it is a description of the obvious akin to “the sun rises and sets most days.”

As I said, earlier, the MAIN reason this email was “calling” to me, now, is because all (or most) of the issues above are things that I have had to deal with lately.

(Pausing for the sound of browsers snapping shut across the world…)

“Wait. Did ‘The Christian Sex Expert’ just say he, sometimes, struggles with sex occasionally?”

Yep.

Here’s the deal…

I desperately want to be able to tell God that I helped as many people, as possible, to improve their marriages and sex lives. It’s not the job/mission that I envisioned when I was sitting through those fifteen per week (4 hour long) church services that my parents felt were necessary for my proper upbringing. But, it does seem to be what God would have us do (so, stop your sniggling).

And, for me to be truly effective, sometimes I have to shake you and remind you that, most likely, you’re really not that different/worse off than your brothers and sisters…including ME!

Probably, with a different (slightly better/more positive) view of things, it’s possible that you are very close (maybe inches away) from making things in your marriage and sex life dramatically better.

You don’t have to become Benjamin Button and go back in time…you don’t have to lose 100 pounds…you don’t have to replace your spouse with someone else. Most likely, you just have to believe it’s possible, and that God intends better things for you…and, even for your fat, middle-aged butt, you can experience a true glimpse of the possibilities of passionate relationships and sex.

If you read our emails (and should I really HAVE to say “if”?), you know that this year, so far, has been one of our most difficult. We struggled in the ministry, in our business and, in no small way…personally.

Do you really think it’s possible that we maintained exactly the same level of sexual passion through this period? Or the same frequency? Or variety (geesh…writing it is depressing ME)?

No. We didn’t.

It’s just not possible for anyone to put their sex lives in a vacuum (I tried this once when I was a teen..but that’s another story); the reason that sex is so important…and mystical…is exactly because it rises above most of the other mundane things we must deal with as Christians and real people. It is one of the few things we will experience in this life that can give us a true glimpse of the “something more” that awaits us.

But, it is not separate and apart from the rest of our lives. It is, by definition, a result of who we are as individuals…and as a couple..and everything else that is going on in our lives.

So, for a second, STOP. Take a breath. And consider that, possibly, your big list of “problems” and/or “reasons” that your marriage relationship and sex life is not what you would like it to be…is probably not really very impressive/scary to most of the rest of us.

Even more, one of the beautiful things about our marriages and sex lives is that taking the time to “go from here to there” (from where we are to where we’d like to be), despite your circumstances, has the effect of strengthening you relationship and, ultimately, improving your sex life.

But, here’s where it (kinda) comes back to the above email…

The biggest, most consistent thing we find ourselves communicating with other couples is that “most sex problems have nothing to do with sex.”

During this difficult period, although the frequency and spontaneity of our sex may have diminished slightly, the thing that makes it great during the “easier” times never waned; “us.” We are more concerned about “us” than we are either one of us, separately. We want to please the other as much/more than we are concerned with pleasing ourselves.

This is not “bragging” (for those emailers with your “like I care you have a super relationship” emails). This is a “road map” for you…”from here to there.”

Why do I think that the “Christian” part of  “Christian Sex Expert” isn’t unecessary?

Because the same approach/road map that you will find in Scripture, relative to how to deal with STRANGERS is exactly the same approach you need to consider in fixing your marriage and sex life. If Jesus expects us to “go the extra mile” for strangers, isn’t it logical to assume that, with your spouse, he expects even more?

And, with all due respect to the writer of the above email…

If your focus in your marriage and sex life is primarily on YOU…your needs…your desires…your likes/dislikes (as opposed to your spouse’s), and you are hoping for dramatic changes to magically drop from the sky…instead of praying and working for them to happen…then, frankly, I wouldn’t expect much. This pains me to say because, after all, I pay the light bill selling sex advice books. But, its just true.

Great sex (or a great marriage) is simply not possible (at least in a Christian marriage) when we don’t follow Jesus’ advice to treat our spouse as we would have them treat us.

So, my first advice to this man (and to whoever is still reading this incredibly long post) would be to consider that figuring out how to please his wife might be (really…between you and me IS) the secret to solving MOST of his “perceived” problems.

If he were to start by asking, “how can I better please my wife, sexually?” Or, even better, asked her…I’d bet “dollars to donuts” that she would have some pretty creative ideas.

These ideas might be “creative enough” to overcome some of his apparent boredom/lack of wanting to “jump her bones.”

Her appreciation that he is giving her sexual attention (despite her current weight) will probably mean that she is less concerned with his occasional lack of ability to maintain an erection…most likely…she’d be willing to come up with some “extra effort” stuff that would fix that problem, no?

Will this magically give his wife “six pack abs?” I don’t think so.

Will this create some sort of supernatural attraction to her that makes him glow with desire everytime she comes into sight? Nah.

But…might it lead to some “real people,” fun sex? Maybe even the type of passionate, “in the moment” type of engagement that he forgets his erections aren’t quite what they used to be?

More importantly, experiencing REAL sexual connection with your spouse (in all it’s flabby, middle-aged, semi-erect glory) is actually better than anything you assume Brad and Angelina are doing…and…better than what you thought you were looking for.

To recap for those with the endurance to last this long…

1) You can improve your marriage and sex life, despite your list of “problems.”

2)If you’re marriage and sex life isn’t perfect, no one’s is…really…no one’s.

3)Most sex problems can be solved by trying to please your spouse first.

4)If its been months since your last blog post, and you are kind of in a cranky mood, maybe its not so good to chug two cups of coffee and then just start typing.

Have a great weekend.

Forgive my rusty blogging skills.

Facebook and YouTube and Twitter are on the way…really.

I did my part (1725 words so far)…do yours; comment or submit emails. We are going to attempt to make this blog much more interactive and helpful than in the past. If you don’t give me something more specific to work with…I’ll do another blog post this long. No one wants that, really, do they?

P.S. If you are “thinking of your spouse by trying to lose weight, our readers have reported real success with this.

P.S.S. If you are a woman and your husband likes “BBWS,” you might like this.

Going forward, this will be the primary place for you
to find Christian marriage and sex resources, support
from us and community with our other members.

PLEASE take a minute to check it out and book mark it.

What’s here now…

-Almost two years of blog posts, consolidated from our
past blogs.

-Almost three years of our “Christian Sex Newsletters.”

-A new way to ensure that your questions, concerns and
comments will be received directly by us or our staff
(under “About” and “Contact Us”).

-A “Recommended Christian Marriage Resources” section.

What will be there soon…

-A Christian Marriage & Sex Video Section. This was one
of our most popular features on old blogs and we are
just putting the final touches on it.

-Integration with our Facebook.com page so that we
will have the ability to make ChristianSexFacts.com
a true “community.” We can all benefit from each other’s
ideas and support!

-Integration with our Twitter.com channel. If you like
to “tweet,” we will be able to provide you with updates,
news and helpful information via Twitter.com now too!

Browse around…you’ll be sure to find something helpful to your marriage or sex life.

Come back soon as we’ll be adding a bunch of new features to make it even more valuable to you.

Lack of sexual desire is a VERY broad symptom that can be caused by a fairly large list of potential “root causes.”

These “root causes” can range from life stress to psychological issues to physical problems.

But, one of the biggest and most obvious causes of a lack of sex drive/desire is caused by the medications that many are prescribed for depression related issues.

It is a well known fact that MOST depression medications have a substantially negative impact on sex drive and sex desire.

This is the case with just about every “depression medication” BUT ONE…

In fact, there is solid evidence that this depression medication not only doesn’t HURT sexual desire/drive…it actually INCREASES it!

And, furthermore, this particular medication has been shown to help women struggling with low sex desire (and NOT depression); it MAY be the answer to chronic female low sex desire/drive. Whereas the drug companies are scrambling to find the female version of Viagra, thus far they have had little success.

But, this medication has shown some real promise in this area. In some cases, women experienced their first orgasm or their first multiple orgasm only after taking this medication.

Best of all, as medications go, this drug is considered “fairly mild” and has many other postitive side effects (helps with kicking nicotine and losing weight) and fewer negative side effects than most medications.

Of course (legal disclaimer!), we are not doctors. So, before you do/try anything, you should consult your physician. But, that said, if you (or your spouse) are on medications for depression, you might want to look into supplementing with or switching to this medication…Wellbutrin.

It is considered as effective as most other “depression medications” yet has proven, minimally, to have little NEGATIVE sexual side effects. And, in some studies, has actually been shown to INCREASE sexual drive/desire.

This was the even the case in test groups that did suffer from depression; they saw a huge increase in sex drive/desire.

And, it has shown promising results with women struggling with low sex desire/drive.

So, if you are currently taking depression meds and experiencing negative sexual side effects…or, if you are a female struggling with low sex drive/desire…consider talking to your doctor about Wellbutrin.

In some cases, this inability may be related to some underlying physical issue. This is particularly the case with women that experience pain during intercourse. When women experience pain during intercourse, it is called dyspareunia. There are two major types of “dyspareunia”: Vaginitis and Vaginismus.Vaginitis is usually caused by an infection of some sort and has similar symptoms. Vaginismus is more of “physical” or painful spasming of the muscles surrounding the female’s genitals. Both can usually be solved by consulting a physician.

But, in our experience, in the majority of cases, when a woman is struggling to achieve fulfilling sexual/orgasmic fulfillment, it is simply because she has no “sense/muscle memories” of exactly what it means to “orgasm.”  Sexual success is no different than any other area of our lives. If you don’t know what you are “shooting for,” you probably won’t hit the target.

And, in the majority of these cases, this past lack of success is caused by NOT focusing on the critical importance of clitoral stimulation in female satisfaction/orgasm.

One of the relatively recent developments in “sexology” (the forties/fifties) was when researchers realized the importance of clitoral stimulation.

Until then, doctors thought that a (hugely) large percentage of women were “frigid” or incapable of achieving orgasm because there was “something wrong with them.”

But, when the doctors started using mechanical vibrators (specifically on the clitoris) on female test subjects, voila…the vast majority of women were capable of achieving “normal” orgasmic potential…almost immediately…and with NO other therapy.

So, if you or your wife happen to be struggling with this problem, you may want to seriously consider utilizing a toy/vibrator of some kind…on the clitoris specifically…to foster “the breakthrough” that you are seeking.

I guarantee that once you have experienced a true orgasm once or twice…you won’t any longer be wondering “what’s all the fuss about?”

And, if you are looking to try a toy, please check out our toy partner here.

Unlike most vendors/sites, on our site you will not find anything pornographic or offensive…just a lot of really fun new toys to try/consider.

Oh…by the way…toys CAN be a very fun addition to your love life…no matter what.

Either way, check out the possibilities here.

My last post, “Advice To A Husband,” seems to have created much emotion in our readership. I received a ton of emails…all of which alternated between expressing exasperation (with their own situation) and anger with me.

I received several emails very similar to the following:

So, I found your ad on the net by accident as I was not searching for it.

I was reading your messages and information about you and your book. And as always, you like all other Christian men, always put the problems with Christian men and women on the backs of the men. It’s always the man at fault, his lack of knowledge that is the problem, his lack of not knowing what to do are the causes of the problems between Christian men and women. That’s simply not always the case my friend.

God made the woman to have responsibility the same as the man. I am sick and tired of men who are afraid to say anything at all negative about a woman. The woman is just as wrong, and has the same responsibility as the man, if not more responsible.

Your effort is meaningless to me. When I read what you said and how you blamed the man for sexual issues between him and the woman, you lost me completely.

Women are not the perfect, blameless creatures that you all have proposed them to be. God said that himself and no human is blameless–man or woman.

A man cannot force or create a desire in a woman to do anything. It has to come from her own being. Her own separate will and desire.

Where do you come off with this untruth???

I would like to start with a rant about how this gentleman completely misunderstood me…and how he should have put my post in context of the rest of our work…but…it’s MY job to do the “communicating” around here…and, since I received several similar emails, I have to assume that many of you may have misunderstood me.

So, a bit of clarification…

I was IN NO WAY implying that it is possible to generalize and assign most (or any) of “the blame” to the husband when the sex (or any other part of the relationship) is not what it should be.

In our decade of writing, speaking and coaching, we have never found it true (or helpful) to assume that either men or women are “usually” the person at fault.

Sex is no different than any other area of our lives or relationships…

Sometimes the “problem” originates within the husband…sometimes the wife.

Many times…it originates in “the relationship”; it is the bad habits or lack of communication that have developed as part of “the relationship” that need to be dealt with before any progress can be made.

As proof of this, I received many emails regarding this post from wives…they were frustrated because THEY assumed that I was communicating that it is ALWAYS the woman that is less interested in sex…and, in their marriage, it was their husband that showed little (or no) interest in sex.

So…to be VERY clear…

WOMEN ARE FAR FROM PERFECT!

Oh…and…either are men.

Our “specialty” focuses on the sexual part of marriage. But, we quickly discovered that MOST “sex problems” have NOTHING to do with sex…they are “relationship problems.”

Sue and I make our living through this ministry. So, we would like to believe that EVERYONE will benefit from our ministry and books, (Sexual Skills For The Christian Man or Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife), but the reality is…before you can benefit from the “technical” information in most of our books, you first have to make progress on the “relationship” issues that are the REAL problem. Our books (SHORT COMMERCIAL BREAK, DON’T FORGET Sexual Games For Christan Couples and Sexual Positions For Christian Couples) will do you little good if you or your spouse simply “don’t care” about changing and improving.

This applies to both husbands and wives; both husband AND wives can be guilty of being selfish or unwilling to be 100% committed to certain areas of the marriage.

BUT…

Situations where one spouse truly “doesn’t care” are far and few between.

Many times (the point of my previous post), EITHER the husband or wife is not “excited” about the sexual part of the relationship simply because it is an area in which they either A) Have had little past success or pleasure or B) have “hang ups” or issues that they are hesitant to fully express.

In these situations, it is VERY important that you BOTH better communicate AND understand the “technical” aspects of great sex. It isn’t rocket science. But, for many, it also isn’t simple or easy…or obvious.

If you and your spouse JUST communicate your needs and desires to each other, openly and selflessly…and are still faced with little success in bed…you won’t be much further ahead.

If you only work on the “technical” aspects of better sex, and don’t deal with the underlying relationship or communication issues you are still doomed to failure.

BUT…if you do BOTH…you are almost guaranteed success.

Hello,

I have only recent found your resources online and am finding them extremely interesting.  I have purchased and am reading Sexual Skills for the Christian Husband.  I’ve also just purchased the books on Sexual Positions and Games.  I am looking forward to getting through all of these materials.

I would consider myself a highly sexual person.   I have been for as long as I can remember.  I have been married 10 years to a wonderful woman, but she just is not into sex at all.  That is probably not uncommon as I am learning.  While I have yet to get into the meat of your books, what I am trying to do is help her increase her desire for sex and for her to know that sex is okay and not something she should be ashamed for enjoying.  When we do have sex, she really enjoys her orgasm.   She does not, however, get “into it” as much as I do.  She is content lying there and letting me get on, get it done, and then get off.  The good part though is that we are both open to working on our sexual relationship, large part due to your resources.  Thank you!

With that said, my question is:  Is there any place for pornography in a Christian marriage?  I think I know the answer, but I am not sure.  As much as I should not be involved with pornography, it stimulates me very much.  I often think it would be fun to use it together to take us down a different avenue and show her what else may be out there.

I am guessing your a busy man, but I would appreciate any thoughts you’d care to share.

Thank you and God Bless!

~Justin

Justin,

Thanks for the purchases. I hope you find them valuable.

All things that come to those that are patient. If your wife is open to exploring and growing and you are open to being patient, you are destined to grow closer and improve your sex life.

It is possible to say that, generally, women are less interested in sex…when not having sex.

As a fact of nature, men are ALWAYS thinking about sex/interested in sex. Women are (generally speaking) less inclined to be thinking about/looking forward to sex at any given moment.

This does NOT mean that women are actually any less sexual. It just means that they are different. As you will find in our books, it is very important to understand the differences between males and females, sexually, so that you can benefit from the differences.

Males are very easy to “turn on” and make ready for sex. For most, it takes no more than a glance at a bare part of your wife’s body (most any part will do…huh?).

Women are a little “slower to start.” They aren’t as easily turned on visually or just by the thought of sex; they need to “rev the engines” a bit before they really start to “run hot” (sorry for the poor automobile analogies).

This means that a) You have to start a little slower and b) She needs to be willing to “rev the engines.”

If your current sex life is less than spontaneous, it is best to NOT leave things to chance.

Start to actively plan your sexual time together.

Treat it the same as you would when planning to rent and watch a movie together…”Friday night we are going to make love.”

This allows both of you to build up some excitement and anticipation and it removes the pressure of dealing with trying to make things happen at “the wrong time.”

It also gives you the chance to prime the engines (another lame analogy?) ahead of time. You can consciously do EVERYTHING you can think of to create the proper mood/environment to ensure that it is a positive experience for your wife. Flowers? Candy? Maybe YOU do the dishes that night? Most women’s sexual desires are driven by their feelings of love and appreciation for their husband. Unlike most men…whose feelings of love and appreciation are (many times) driven by their sexual desires.

Once you are actually alone together, you need to take it slower. Hugging, kissing and foreplay, foreplay, foreplay! Do everything possible to demonstrate to her that you appreciate her AND the opportunity to be with her sexually. And, in most cases, START WITH HER PLEASURE. If she does not always reach orgasm through intercourse, be sure that you help her to climax in some other way…before you do.

Humans are motivated by pleasure. If you can create a track record of successfully making her pleasure a priority and helping her to achieve orgasms (or multiple orgasms) during EVERY sexual interaction, you won’t have to work very hard to get her “more interested”; orgasms are a powerful motivation of their own.

The “other side of the coin” relative to the differences between men and women is that, once the engines are revving (sorry…can’t help myself), women’s sexual “engines” tend to run hotter and longer than do men’s. Generally, their sexual experiences (done correctly) are deeper and more intense…but they take longer (and more effort) to maintain and bring to fruition. So, you need to be willing to take the time and attention to do WHATEVER it takes to bring her to fulfillment.

I think you will find that if you are wiling to be patient and focus on HER needs/pleasure, everything will fall into place quite nicely…you may have to (occasionally) tell her you’re not in the mood!

As a “Christian” advisor, I can not recommend pornography as a valid “marital aid.” Although I am not completely sold on many Christian’s definition of “pornography,” I still feel the Scriptures make it fairly clear that focusing our sexual attention/desires on anyone other than our spouse is less than ideal. And, as a counselor in general, I have never seen the use of pornography to be a truly helpful or productive strategy; it is one of those things that seems like a good idea…until you actually try it. This would be especially true if your current sex life is less than ideal…who needs the extra pressure or potential problems?

One of the amazing and mysterious things about sex between two completely uninhibited and passionate lovers is that they get lost in each other; nothing or no one else compares to the ecstasy that they are finding in the moment…in their marriage bed. Everything else is just a bad copy of what is possible…right at your fingertips (or tongue!).

I hope this helps.

Robert

This post, I feel strongly, was given to me (i.e. forced upon me) by God.

The past week, much to my dismay, became all about one thing: forgiveness.

I, personally, was struggling with a need to forgive someone from my past.

I received (at least) five emails from readers desperately wanting to forgive their spouse for real (or perceived) sins.

I received TWO chain emails on the topic of forgiveness (and..the real miracle is that I even know this…because I usually delete chain emails without so much as a glance).

In fact, my personal struggle was so great that I had to turn for some advice from my Ph.D. friend, Lee Baucom.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses (as people, as Christians…and as counselors). There are certian areas of advice that are “second nature” to me. Susan and I have been blessed with the type of relationship that makes it easy for me to communicate the need for selflessness…or compromise…or communication. But, when I am faced with the need to address forgiveness it is not quite as “second nature.” I have to (sometimes) communicate in a more “do as I say…not as I do” way.

But, as with all other areas related to marriage…Susan and I are committed to ensuring that you have access to the best information. And, sometimes, that information can only be proven “the hard way;” I have to experience the pain too…

As Christians, I think that we sometimes forget the importance of forgiveness. “Forgiveness” is such a key piece of “our story” that we don’t even consider that we aren’t forgiving.

And, frankly, one of the areas of “forgiveness” that is most difficult for me to address is when one spouse is desparately attempting to forgive the other…but the “offending” spouse has absolutely NO remorse…or, even worse, does not even believe that they have a need to be forgiven.

Maybe they have unilaterally decided that sex is no longer important in the marriage.

Or, they are withholding emotional intimacy.

My “knee jerk” reaction is always to address the “offending” spouse in a very direct and vigorous manner…while reiterating the “offended” spouse’s rights and needs.

Ultimately, this is usually the best approach. But…it is usually NOT the best FIRST approach.

It is similar to the parenting advice you sometimes hear…”don’t spank in anger.” You may choose to spank, but you don’t want to do it in a way that causes damage (to your child’s behind).

In a marriage, you may HAVE to “spank” your spouse into reality by directly confronting certain issues, but you don’t want to do it in a way that further damages the relationship.

So, the first step is forgiveness.

And, if you are like me…this really means that you need to go to God first…to beg him to give you the strength and wisdom to forgive.

But, once you have done this, you will feel less pain and anger (resentment only makes YOU sick), you will have re-opened the lines of communication with God (and will be better prepared to hear the correct solution)…

The fundamental thing Lee had to hammer into my thick skull was that forgiveness is fairly simple; it should be unconditional and absolute and without any actions on the part of “the forgiven.”

ANY…..(really…ANY) rationalizations or justifications about why “your situation” is different (or more complicated…or more necessary…or more pathetic….you choose) are just that…excuses and rationalizations. Like Michael Jordan used to say, “Just do it.”

I am NOT a big believer in “magic” solutions in relationships. I won’t tell you that learning to forgive your spouse will magically lead to huge improvements in your marriage.

But…I can promise you that it will make YOU less angry, depressed, anxious and unable to think clearly. And, it WILL provide you with a joint project between you and God that will lead to you better understanding HIS will for your marriage.

Below are a few quotes that I found relevant…

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

~Lewis B. Smedes

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

~Mahatma Gandhi

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

~Sara Paddison

The following quote may not be so helpful…but it IS funny…

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

~Emo Philips

If you are truly struggling in your marriage, you may want to check out Lee’s Save Your Christian Marriage.