Category: Christian Marriage
On Forgiveness…
Most of my blog posts are picked rather systematically; I decide what I would like to communicate (that might be helpful) and I set out to write the post.
This post, I feel strongly, was given to me (i.e. forced upon me) by God.
The past week, much to my dismay, became all about one thing: forgiveness.
I, personally, was struggling with a need to forgive someone from my past.
I received (at least) five emails from readers desperately wanting to forgive their spouse for real (or perceived) sins.
I received TWO chain emails on the topic of forgiveness (and..the real miracle is that I even know this…because I usually delete chain emails without so much as a glance).
In fact, my personal struggle was so great that I had to turn for some advice from my Ph.D. friend, Lee Baucom.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses (as people, as Christians…and as counselors). There are certian areas of advice that are “second nature” to me. Susan and I have been blessed with the type of relationship that makes it easy for me to communicate the need for selflessness…or compromise…or communication. But, when I am faced with the need to address forgiveness it is not quite as “second nature.” I have to (sometimes) communicate in a more “do as I say…not as I do” way.
But, as with all other areas related to marriage…Susan and I are committed to ensuring that you have access to the best information. And, sometimes, that information can only be proven “the hard way;” I have to experience the pain too…
As Christians, I think that we sometimes forget the importance of forgiveness. “Forgiveness” is such a key piece of “our story” that we don’t even consider that we aren’t forgiving.
And, frankly, one of the areas of “forgiveness” that is most difficult for me to address is when one spouse is desparately attempting to forgive the other…but the “offending” spouse has absolutely NO remorse…or, even worse, does not even believe that they have a need to be forgiven.
Maybe they have unilaterally decided that sex is no longer important in the marriage.
Or, they are withholding emotional intimacy.
My “knee jerk” reaction is always to address the “offending” spouse in a very direct and vigorous manner…while reiterating the “offended” spouse’s rights and needs.
Ultimately, this is usually the best approach. But…it is usually NOT the best FIRST approach.
It is similar to the parenting advice you sometimes hear…”don’t spank in anger.” You may choose to spank, but you don’t want to do it in a way that causes damage (to your child’s behind).
In a marriage, you may HAVE to “spank” your spouse into reality by directly confronting certain issues, but you don’t want to do it in a way that further damages the relationship.
So, the first step is forgiveness.
And, if you are like me…this really means that you need to go to God first…to beg him to give you the strength and wisdom to forgive.
But, once you have done this, you will feel less pain and anger (resentment only makes YOU sick), you will have re-opened the lines of communication with God (and will be better prepared to hear the correct solution)…
The fundamental thing Lee had to hammer into my thick skull was that forgiveness is fairly simple; it should be unconditional and absolute and without any actions on the part of “the forgiven.”
ANY…..(really…ANY) rationalizations or justifications about why “your situation” is different (or more complicated…or more necessary…or more pathetic….you choose) are just that…excuses and rationalizations. Like Michael Jordan used to say, “Just do it.”
I am NOT a big believer in “magic” solutions in relationships. I won’t tell you that learning to forgive your spouse will magically lead to huge improvements in your marriage.
But…I can promise you that it will make YOU less angry, depressed, anxious and unable to think clearly. And, it WILL provide you with a joint project between you and God that will lead to you better understanding HIS will for your marriage.
Below are a few quotes that I found relevant…
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
~Lewis B. Smedes
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi
“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”
~Sara Paddison
The following quote may not be so helpful…but it IS funny…
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
~Emo Philips
If you are truly struggling in your marriage, you may want to check out Lee’s Save Your Christian Marriage.
30 Day Sex Challenge
The Relevant Church is a church based in Florida that recently made a bit of a splash in the media by offering as one of its ministries a “30 Day Sex Challenge.”
Their intent was to help couples (both single and married) to better understand how sex and Christianity mix…and how to bring the two together in a way that both makes us better Christians and better partners.
The introductory video is below.
You can find the associated resources here.
Do You Need Comforted?
In Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband, we tell the story of how a wife chose to comfort her husband by being available, sexually.
He was struggling with career issues and was bordering on depression and anxiety.
Without asking, she increased the frequency in which she initiated sex because she knew that this was one way that she could (without a bunch of discussion) comfort her husband during a tough time.
Many times, the comfort is in NOT pushing the sexual issue…while your spouse works through a difficult time.
And, of course, sex is only one of the areas in a marriage in which we can provide comfort.
If you are not ACTIVELY attempting to avoid the news, lately, it is almost impossible to not get anxious about our future.
Bad economic news.
Hurricanes.
Potential wars.
And, I’m sure, many of you are dealing with REAL emergencies in your life…RIGHT NOW…not just abstract “potential” problems.
If you are, THIS is exactly when you need to turn to your marriage relationship for strength and comfort.
But, if you are dealing with relationship issues that make this “iffy,” start with the only reliable source for comfort…God.
God cares about your situation.
He cares about your marriage.
He WILL both comfort you and change things…
Just ask.
Below is a video to Brenton Brown’s song “Comfort Me.”
I hope you find it helpful.
Have a great weekend.
How Not To Save Your Marriage
Lee Baucom, Ph.D., is one of our friends and one of your best resources for professional advice regarding how to improve or save your marriage.
Lee is a Christian that takes a “radical” approach to saving marriages.
He decided upon this approach because he realized that most professionals experienced, at best, a success rate of 20% in helping couples to save their marriages from divorce.
That was far from good enough for him (and his patents), so he created a system that has a success rate that approaches 90%!
He believes that one of the first things you MUST do to give your marriage a chance of survival is to STOP believing “the four most damaging myths about saving your marriage.”
Below he describes these “myths”…
Myth 1: You Need To Learn More Communication Skills
Learning new communication skills will not help you.
Teaching you how to communicate better, if your marriage is truly troubled, will only give you and your spouse the ability to fight more effectively!
In many cases, improving “communication skills” only creates more damage and accelerates the deterioration of the relationship.
Myth 2: There is only one “path” from the brink of divorce to marital bliss.
Many other programs assume there is only one “path” back to marital happiness.
I discovered there are 8 distinct paths! And, each “path” must be addressed differently.
What is helpful at one stage can be destructive, or at least counterproductive, at another stage.
I have created a unique path for each stage that resolves the crisis best.
These paths have been tested and retested, and proven successful for hundreds in my practice.
You will learn how to determine exactly which stage of marriage crisis you are facing. After you do this, you are infinitely better prepared to move forward and begin the healing and progress.
Myth 3: You can’t start saving your marriage if your spouse isn’t interested.
When a marriage crisis is in full swing, it sometimes takes awhile for the other spouse to respond. But, this does not mean that you can’t save your marriage!
My techniques and approach work…even if your spouse has already “given up. “
My strategies have been called “relationship Judo.”
You will learn how to use the negative energy in your relationship to turn your relationship around.
Myth 4: Time heals all.
This may be the most damaging myth of all!
In my experience, many people procrastinate and hope that things will get “just work themselves out.”
This rarely, if ever, happens.
In reality, the negative momentum of the relationship moves against them and, before they know it, the relationship is too far gone.
It is critical that you start the process of saving your marriage now…before things spiral into a place that is truly irreparable.
As a special friend to this site, Lee is offering our readers a significant discount on his “Save Your Christian Marriage” system…for the next few days.
If your marriage is in trouble, you can check out his special offer here.
What Do Husbands Need?
One of the realities of our career as “accidental sex experts” is that we spend most of our time dealing with everything….BUT sex.
We have little interest in promoting sex in Christian marriage for the sake of simply helping couples to improve their sex lives; we are most interested in ensuring that Christian married couples make their marriages EVERYTHING that is possible (and God desires). Sex just happens to be a big piece of the puzzle.
But, great sex is the result of a great relationship.
Sex CAN be used to improve the marriage relationship. But, sex, alone, can not fix a weak relationship.
Most sex problems have NOTHING to do with sex…they are symptoms of relationship problems. So, we are always looking for resources that will help our readers to improve their relationships.
One recent book that we found helpful is Judy Carden’s “What Husbands Need–Reclaiming His Heart & His Passion.”
If you are a Christian wife that is searching for a “new angle” on your view of your relationship, you may find this book helpful.
If you are a long time reader of this blog, you know that we HATE any approach to marriage advice that starts with the assumption that the responsibility for a strong relationship rests on the shoulders of only one spouse (either the husband or wife). In our opinion (and experience), the ideal Christian marriage is described by the relationship between Jesus and the Church. And, there are fairly equal numbers of Scriptures that address the roles/expectations of both the husband and the wife:
For example, just in Ephesians, Paul discusses ALL of the following:
· The husband is to sacrifice himself for His wife (verse 25).
· The wife is the body of her husband, and
· The husband is the head of that body (verses 23, 28).
· The wife is to respect her husband (verse 33).
· The husband is to love his wife as himself (verses 25, 28, 33)
So, the recommendation of this book is NOT in the spirit of focusing the responsibility JUST on the wife; it is simply one part of the equation that wives, seeking answers, might want to consider.
Below is an interview with Judy regarding the book.
You can find her blog here.
The interview…
And, since we usually like to end the week on a (semi) humorous note…we thought you might enjoy the following clip of Christian Comedian, Charles Marshall, discussing how men’s “stock” devalues over time…
Enjoy and have a great weekend.
Is Your Marriage Fire Proof?
This weekend, you may want to check out a new movie with your spouse…”Fire Proof.”
This movie stars Kirk Cameron, of “Growing Pains” fame.
It is the story of a firefighter trying to be as good of a husband as he is a fireman.
This movie is made by the people that brought you “Facing The Giants,” one of the most successful “faith based” movies in quite some time.
What I love about the premise of this movie is that it revolves around the importance and difficulty of marriage.
The plot centers around Kirk’s character attempting to follow a “40 Day Challenge” to strengthen and improve his marriage.
And, coinciding with the release of the movie, is the release of a book, “The Love Dare” that mimics the book Kirk follows in the movie.
It is 40 days of activities to improve your marriage relationship.
You can download an excerpt here.
As most of you know, Kirk Cameron is one of the high profile Christians in Hollywood. Additionally, he knows the plot of this movie from experience…he and his wife have been married 17 years and have SIX children!
Enjoy the trailer below and consider checking out the movie this weekend. We need to support any movies that promote the positive benefits of marriage.
Who Should Initiate?
One of the questions that we receive most often is “Why doesn’t my wife/husband ever initiate sex?”
As a rule, this is more of an issue with husbands. Statistically, women are less inclined to be the aggressors when it comes to sex.
But, there are quite a few wives that feel as if they are always the one to HAVE to initiate.
In either case, most times the problem lies in either or both partners “assuming.”
They “assume” that their husband/wife “should” know that they desire sex.
And, many times, they (consiously or unconsciously) turn the situation into a “test;” they decide that they are going to wait until their spouse initiates sex. And, if they don’t, they become more and more upset. This creates a vicious negative cycle in which the resentment just builds and builds.
Instead…try dropping the “tests” and just communicate your desire for sex.
With most husbands, all it takes for them to be interested in sex is to know that their wives are “in the mood.”
For most women, if they are willing to “get started,” they can become just as aroused as their husbands…pretty quickly.
But, life is too short to “assume” anything.
Communication is the key in all areas of marriage…including sex.
Just Do It

I wanted to give you a fourth of July weekend gift…a recommendation.
I just finished a book that I think you will find inspiring and valuable.
It is titled, “Just Do It,” by author Douglas Brown.
Douglas is a writer for The Denver Post.
After returning from a conference, he told his wife that he had learned that some of the men at the conference were part of “The 100 Day Club.” This “club” was a group of men that had NOT had sex for 100 days or more. The reasons for this lack of sex were different, but they were sharing the misery.
His wife thought that it might be a positive experiment to try the opposite tack…100 days of sex.
They did their experiment and the result was this book.
And this book is…really cool.
Although the book does detail (in some respect) their sex life, it is NOT graphic at all; it is, actually, fairly tame.
It is, ultimately, a love story. And, it is a real primer on the benefits of “real” married sex…not the “fake” kind of sex that you see in Hollywood movies or pornography.
At the end of their 100 day experiment, they were closer and more fulfilled.
If you have read either Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband or Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife, you know that we promote the idea that, sometimes, you have to “just do it.”
You don’t wait until all of the situations in your life (or marriage) are perfect.
You don’t wait until you both “feel like it.”
You just…DO IT.
And, once you are “doing it,” you experience the power of marital sex…and its ability to improve and heal your relationship.
You can find an excerpt from this book here.
And, you can watch an interview with the author and his wife in the video below.
Have a great “4th weekend.”
Just Do It…

I wanted to give you a fourth of July weekend gift…a recommendation.
I just finished a book that I think you will find inspiring and valuable.
It is titled, “Just Do It,” by author Douglas Brown.
Douglas is a writer for The Denver Post.
After returning from a conference, he told his wife that he had learned that some of the men at the conference were part of “The 100 Day Club.” This “club” was a group of men that had NOT had sex for 100 days or more. The reasons for this lack of sex were different, but they were sharing the misery.
His wife thought that it might be a positive experiment to try the opposite tack…100 days of sex.
They did their experiment and the result was this book.
And this book is…really cool.
Although the book does detail (in some respect) their sex life, it is NOT graphic at all; it is, actually, fairly tame.
It is, ultimately, a love story. And, it is a real primer on the benefits of “real” married sex…not the “fake” kind of sex that you see in Hollywood movies or pornography.
At the end of their 100 day experiment, they were closer and more fulfilled.
If you have read either Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband or Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife, you know that we promote the idea that, sometimes, you have to “just do it.”
You don’t wait until all of the situations in your life (or marriage) are perfect.
You don’t wait until you both “feel like it.”
You just…DO IT.
And, once you are “doing it,” you experience the power of marital sex…and its ability to improve and heal your relationship.
You can find an excerpt from this book here.
And, you can watch an interview with the author and his wife in the video below.
Have a great “4th weekend.”

