Category: christian marriage sex

Theology Of The Body

By Robert Irwin, October 29, 2008 11:19 am
Lately, I have received quite a few emails from our Catholic brothers and sisters similar to the one below…
I am wondering if you have received a welcome in the Catholic Church community, both lay and clerical. As you may know much better than I, Pope John Paul II has made a contribution to the world of Christian Couples, and beyond them to every Christian, with his “Theology of the body”. It is the book that puts together a sequence of his Wednesday Audience Talks over a period of two or three years in St. Peter’s Square, and given rise to the still-to-be-discovered by the Catholic Faithful, for the most part, the Theology of the body. He may not have accomplished what you have done, namely knowing off-by-heart the Song of Solomon, but with his biblical and theological knowledge, including very much so, the Song of Songs, he has ‘revolutionised’ sex for people who come in touch with the theology of the human body.

As you would agree, the Word of God became flesh the moment Jesus, the Son of God, was conceived in the womb of Mary. The implications of that mystery that leads to the measure of God’s love that he communicates to every human being who will allow him in the mystery of giving his life on the cross, that in turn leads to the Resurrection of the body in eternal life. The ‘body’ is involved in every gesture, thought and aspiration a human being makes. It’s capacity to communicate God’s love is not confined to married couples, but, as you would agree, is intended for every one who is a human being, bearing in his or her human nature from conception to death that capacity, should that person come to know his true dignity and worth.

So let me know how you and your books have been received by the Catholic Community thus far, if you will be so helpful.
There is a man called Christopher West who has made the Theology of the Body  the focus of his mission and life work in and beyond the Catholic Church. I am hoping you know of his work, and I am hoping he is aware of yours.
Through our Catholic readers, I am aware of Christopher West’s work. And, in my opinion, it is a valuable and positive step forward for Catholics.
As the above writer described, Christopher has (much like Susan and I) “taken a leap of faith” by focusing his ministry on marriage and sexuality.
Although I was born in the Catholic Church, my parents left when I was fairly young. The majority of my life has been spent in the Protestant side of the Church. Consequently, I am not nearly as familiar with the theological ramifications of our approach relative to Catholic theology as I am current Protestant theology.
That being said, from what I have read of The Theology Of The Body and Christopher West’s work, I believe that (despite REAL disagreements) there is much room for agreement.
In the past few years, I was surprised to find that there was as much confusion and guilt among our married Catholic readers, relative to married sexuality, as there was with our Protestant readers.
Not being Catholic, I assumed that NO ONE could be as “backward” or inhibited as your average evangelical Christian…but, apparently, there is much room for sex positive education within the Catholic church as well.
There appears to be two major differences of focus/themes between our “every day” work and Christopher’s.
Catholic theology appears to (still) focus quite heavily on the morality of contraception.
Catholic theology (unlike most actual Catholics) has NOT yet put contraception under the “okay” category.
Catholic theologians focus quite a bit on their view that contraception( outside of “natural” contraception) has been one of the major causes of our current society’s moral and sexual decline.
Although I, personally (and most Protestant theologians, as well) do not find such a significant problem with contraception (within marriage, of course), this position (for Protestants in general) is not above discussion and is a relatively NEW attitude for Protestants. Historically, protestants were as (or more) adamantly opposed to contraception as were Catholics. It was only 70 or 80 years ago when the major figures in Protestant theology railed against contraception.
Scripturally, I don’t find much support (within marriage) for this position.
Although I understand and empathize with the “spirit” of the argument (contraception removes God’s providence from the sex act and reduces sex to something less than it’s “mysterious” nature), I don’t agree that there are any specific Scriptures that would ban contraception for married Christians.
The scriptures related to Onan “spilling his seed” (as we have discussed TOO many times), have nothing to do with “contraception” (or masturbation), per se; they refer Onan’s unwillingness to obey God’s command to fulfill his duty to his brother’s widow.
The other “difference” that I see between our approach and most Catholic theologians is on the “purpose” of sexuality for married Christians.
We spend much time pushing “pleasure” UP the ladder of priorities/purpose, relative to sex. Catholic theologians seem to spend quite a bit of time pushing pleasure down this ladder of priorities/purpose.
Unlike the contraception issue, I think that we agree more than we disagree in this area.
Neither of us believe that sex is more important than our relationship to God or our spouse.
Sex is just a part of our lives and marriage relationships.
Sexual pleasure is NOT more important than being a good person, spouse or Christian.
But…
There does seem to be a difference of opinion relative to just how important pleasure is in the mix.
In my opinion, Scripture supports the belief that sexual release and pleasure is one of the fundamental purposes for marriage.
Most Scriptures that explicitly deal with “reasons to get married” specifically mention sex (or avoiding sexual sin).
Paul tells us to marry to avoid sexual sin…he does not tell us to marry to have children.
In my opinion, the importance of sex and sexual pleasure is probably higher than most Catholic theologians would.
That being said, it is really a matter of semantics.
We agree sex is divinely created for our pleasure.
We agree that sex is NOT more important than our relationship to God or our spouse.
We agree that a healthy expression of our God-given sexuality is best for us, our marriages and the world.
And, as with most “theological differences,” once you move beyond “the foot of the cross,” these differences (although important) should not separate us.
We are thrilled that our Catholic brothers and sisters have resources that CAN, specifically, address their theological needs…while learning to better express their sexuality.

30 Day Sex Challenge

By Robert Irwin, October 8, 2008 9:42 am

The Relevant Church is a church based in Florida that recently made a bit of a splash in the media by offering as one of its ministries a “30 Day Sex Challenge.”

Their intent was to help couples (both single and married) to better understand how sex and Christianity mix…and how to bring the two together in a way that both makes us better Christians and better partners.

The introductory video is below.

You can find the associated resources here.

Who Should Initiate?

By Robert Irwin, September 22, 2008 2:15 pm

One of the questions that we receive most often is “Why doesn’t my wife/husband ever initiate sex?”

As a rule, this is more of an issue with husbands. Statistically, women are less inclined to be the aggressors when it comes to sex.

But, there are quite a few wives that feel as if they are always the one to HAVE to initiate.

In either case, most times the problem lies in  either or both partners “assuming.”

They “assume” that their husband/wife “should” know that they desire sex.

And, many times, they (consiously or unconsciously) turn the situation into a “test;” they decide that they are going to wait until their spouse initiates sex. And, if they don’t, they become more and more upset. This creates a vicious negative cycle in which the resentment just builds and builds.

Instead…try dropping the “tests” and just communicate your desire for sex.

With most husbands, all it takes for them to be interested in sex is to know that their wives are “in the mood.”

For most women, if they are willing to “get started,” they can become just as aroused as their husbands…pretty quickly.

But, life is too short to “assume” anything.

Communication is the key in all areas of marriage…including sex.

Just Do It

By Robert Irwin, July 9, 2008 1:16 am

Just Do It Book

I wanted to give you a fourth of July weekend gift…a recommendation.

I just finished a book that I think you will find inspiring and valuable.

It is titled, “Just Do It,” by author Douglas Brown.

Douglas is a writer for The Denver Post.

After returning from a conference, he told his wife that he had learned that some of the men at the conference were part of “The 100 Day Club.” This “club” was a group of men that had NOT had sex for 100 days or more. The reasons for this lack of sex were different, but they were sharing the misery.

His wife thought that it might be a positive experiment to try the opposite tack…100 days of sex.

They did their experiment and the result was this book.

And this book is…really cool.

Although the book does detail (in some respect) their sex life, it is NOT graphic at all; it is, actually, fairly tame.

It is, ultimately, a love story. And, it is a real primer on the benefits of “real” married sex…not the “fake” kind of sex that you see in Hollywood movies or pornography.

At the end of their 100 day experiment, they were closer and more fulfilled.

If you have read either Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband or Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife, you know that we promote the idea that, sometimes, you have to “just do it.”

You don’t wait until all of the situations in your life (or marriage) are perfect.

You don’t wait until you both “feel like it.”

You just…DO IT.

And, once you are “doing it,” you experience the power of marital sex…and its ability to improve and heal your relationship.

You can find an excerpt from this book here.

And, you can watch an interview with the author and his wife in the video below.

Have a great “4th weekend.”

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