Yesterday, I received an email that addressed themes that I see quite a bit in emails from other readers.
I hoped that replying to this email through this post would be helpful to many of you, as well as the writer.
Dear Robert and Susan,
I recently purchased your e-books. (Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife). I found them very helpful…
My husband has always satisfied me, quite often to the point of fully ejaculatory orgasms. The difference between vaginal orgasms and clitoral orgasms is exactly as you described… I have also always stimulated my husband’s “G” spot and he has great control, but has never achieved orgasm without ejaculation, although he has been very close. Something to work on…
We have a great relationship and truly enjoy one another, except for one thing. A couple of years ago, I went into menopause and pretty much lost interest in sex and the ability to enjoy it. During this time, my husband turned to frequent solo activity and the internet. I was aware of it, though we never spoke of it and it didn’t bother me that much. He never mentioned that he missed sex with me ( we still did it once every three or four weeks) and so I sort of just never gave it much thought…
Last year I went on hormone therapy and my sex drive went through the roof. I figured as soon as I was back in the game, that my husband would just jump right on board too. That did not happen, and I found it devastating as well as insulting. Especially since he told me that he preferred solo sex as it was more stimulating and exciting to him at this point in his life. He also told me that he would enjoy cuddling and affection with me, much more then sex with me. This was and remains quite difficult in terms of my self esteem. It is also very hard to swallow considering that I am the same size I was 25 years ago when we started dating in high school.(A size 2) I have always taken pride in my body and my appearance and have worked hard at not ever letting myself go.
Nine months later, he has started to come around and it appears that he now prefers real sex to solo sex. He is not on the internet much anymore, but he does still hit the shower alone. This continues to bother me, not only because it makes me feel inadequate and rejected, but also because he says once a week or occasionally twice, is enough for him.
I keep praying and trying to turn this over to God, but I cannot seem to get past the fact that I continue to feel betrayed. I fear that he will never find total satisfaction in me no matter how good our relationship and sex life is. I feel kind of hopeless, and yet feel bad for being dissatisfied as he is so good to me in every other way…
I think what I am going through is similar to surviving an affair and hinges on rebuilding trust. There are no articles or advice however on this subject.
How do I stop questioning his actions and sincerity?
And how do I stop questioning myself and his level of attraction to me?
Thank you for any help you can offer.
In Christ,
[removed]
I liked this email because it demonstrates…reeks actually…of REAL LIFE!
I think you should be happy that you seem to have quite a few (more than most) strengths and accomplishments to build upon.
a) When you have sex, you both appear to be open, uninhibited and pleasure seeking. You are describing “advanced” level activities that some couples NEVER achieve.
b) Your communication skills are strong. Do you have any idea how unusual it is that your husband felt comfortable telling you that he preferred “solo sex” to “real sex?” [the scary ridiculous nature of the statement we will address below...]
c) Your “overall” approach to sex is mature and “open.” The fact that you knew/know about his masturbation habits…and did not feel the need to throw a tantrum [despite your misgivings] tells me that you are not coming from an overly emotional place…as regards sex.
Before you get too worried about your situation, you should reflect on your blessings.
That said…
Sex with your spouse IS the best and only way to achieve ULTIMATE sexual pleasure and satisfaction. But (as most of us have discovered…ummm…accidentally) “solo sex” has its benefits: it’s quicker, faster and doesn’t require you to shower or brush your teeth.
In my experience (and those we coach), when one spouse “prefers” “solo sex,” it is not necessarily because they are “rejecting” their spouse; they are simply being lazy and selfish.
I was interrupted by Sue while typing this email with the following question, “Bob, are you dying to make breakfast right now?”
This question is the result of a longstanding battle between us, relative to who makes breakfast each morning.
I, usually, win this battle because I don’t get REALLY hungry till around noon. Sue gets hungry soon after waking.
So, most mornings, I get the pleasure of her making breakfast for both of us and simply having to say, “Thanks, Honey!”
I know (don’t tell her) that I am being lazy and selfish (most mornings) by playing this “game.”
I know that if I wait long enough, she will probably make breakfast and just bring mine to my desk.
Does this mean I don’t love and care for her?
Nope.
I do (more than most husbands, I think) quite a bit of the “household chores.” I will do the dishes and the laundry (without prompting, thank you!) very often. I will cook dinner and lunch many days.
But, I really HATE having to take those five minutes, each morning, that are dedicated to frying four eggs and serving them.
So, I play this game…EVERY morning!
Now…if she calls my bluff with a question like the one above, I will usually say something like, “Yes, Dear. I was just thinking about how excited I am to make breakfast today!”
Now, this (as all husbands know) is a tricky thing.
If I just say the sarcastic thing…and sit there…I’m in trouble. She will leap towards the kitchen, angry with me.
But, if I am smart enough to say the sarcastic thing…while moving in the direction of the kitchen…I can get away with the sarcasm…and she knows she won this particular “battle.”
What the heck does this have to do with sex (or ANYTHING, you may be asking yourself)?
The marriage relationship is a crucible that CONSTANTLY challenges us to balance our personal needs with those of our spouse.
And sex is, by far, one of the most (potentially) important areas in which we must do this.
But…sex is still an area that can fall under very simple lazy and selfish/ motivated and unselfish categories.
The simple fact that you (or your spouse), sometimes, falls into the former category…does not necessarily have to set off “the relationship alarm bells.”
I think that, given your apparent strength in so many other areas, your use of the term, “betrayed” may be a bit overly emotional and negative.
It is a beautiful thing that your husband feels comfortable telling you that “solo sex” is more exciting than “real sex.” But, you should have the same comfort level telling him that you have never heard anything so ridiculous and selfish in your entire life…with a smile of course!
The real issue is not that he, sometimes chooses selfish instead of selfless.
The real question is do you two have the ability to communicate and work through the situation?
Of course, if he is participating in “solo sex” with the use of pornography, there is an additional moral aspect to the situation you need to work through.
But, the real “test” is your ability “as a couple” to demonstrate your willingess to be “selfless” as well as selfish.
As his wife, you have EVERY right to DEMAND that he discuss this situation with you…that he knows and hears (and understands) your feelings regarding his “habits.”
And, my guess, based upon your email, is that you have a strong enough relationship to create some “game plans” and “relationship rules” that you both are comfortable with…and, most likely, involve more “real sex” and less “solo sex.”
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