There was a very interesting thread posted in our Christian Marriage Forum last week.
A Christian wife was concerned that her husband was “weird” for desiring a certain type of sex act with her. She wanted to know what the others in the forum felt about this particular situation.
As you know, if you have read either Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband or Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife, Scripture is very clear on what is prohibited (and what is not) within the marriage bed.
And, with very few exceptions, anything done with “good faith” and “charity” should be considered an option within the Christian marriage bed.
As C. S. Lewis says in “The Malcolm Letters”…
“Sex in itself cannot be moral or immoral any more than gravitation or nutrition. The sexual behavior of human beings can. And like their economic, or political, or agricultural, or parental or filial behavior, it is sometimes good and sometimes bad. And the sexual act, when lawful-which means chiefly when consistent with good faith and charity-can, like all other merely natural acts (“whether we eat or drink etc.,” a the apostle says), be done to the glory of God, and will then be holy. And like other natural acts it is sometimes so done, and sometimes not.”
The analogy of our sexuality and marriage bed being a “crucible” in which our two souls are combined and refined through our mutuality and love is one of my favorites.
And, as I have mentioned before, I ascribe to Dr. David Schnarch’s idea that the best way to ensure a happy marriage and sex life is NOT to rely ONLY on those activities that you are both 100% comfortable with and excited about. It is better to teach yourself how to be more and more comfortable with those activities that your spouse enjoys. Through this process, you expand your comfort zones and you learn how to better please your spouse.
In this view, it is more noble for a couple to, unselfishly focus on better pleasing their spouse…as opposed to “honoring” the past “rules” and “comfort zones.”
With this approach, a Couple can experience an exciting, mutual sexual journey…that can last a lifetime.
Within this thread on the forum, one of our moderators, Pastor Meleney Kriel, author of the new book, Undefiled, brought up a related concept that made me scream, “Exactly! Yes!” when I read her words.
She wrote…
“You are your husband’s only sexual partner.
If your husband is going to have his sexual needs legitimately met, it will be by you and no one else.
If you don’t meet his needs, and to a certain extent his wants, he goes “hungry.”
There is no substitute wife who can fill in for you.
It’s a scary and vulnerable place to be for a husband.
Your husband needs for you to be his sexual partner. If you don’t, he has no legitimate place to turn.
He craves that intimacy ~ physically, emotionally, relationally and, I believe, spiritually.
Please be aware of this need and the lack of other options for filling that need.
I do not believe that this is an insignificant need. Sexuality is an integral part of both men and women.”
Of course this concept applies to both husbands and wives. But the basic thought is the same…
Your spouse has only YOU available to properly and completely express their sexuality.
So, assuming that your spouse’s desires are within those activities that are “undefiled” within the Christian marriage bed, then you have a choice to make…
Will you focus ONLY on your past “rules” and “comfort zones” (i.e. your needs) or your spouse’s desires and interests (i.e. their needs)?
Of course, in a good marriage, the answer will be BOTH…at different times.
But, focusing ONLY on one or the other can lead to a less than fulfilling sexual relationship.
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