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By Robert Irwin, June 10, 2008 10:15 am

Our focus is sex within marriage.

Our books, Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife are intended to help married Christian couples to make their marriages and sex life everything that God intended.

But, occasionally, we get questions from Christians that are single (unmarried, divorced or widowed). They are struggling with how to reconcile their sexuality and their “singleness.”

For those people, we now have a new resource to recommend: Lauren Winner’s “Real Sex:The Naked Truth About Chastity.”

This book deals with Christian sexual ethics, specifically Chastity in an intelligent and clear way.

It also confronts many of our culture’s current assumptions about sex and sexuality.

Single Christians should find this book to be a valuable and important addition to their library.

Below is an review of the book found on Laura’s web site. It will give you a taste of what you will find in the book.

A review of Lauren Winner’s Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity

When Lauren Winner wrote about her conversion from Orthodox Judaism to Christianity in her 2003 memoir, Girl Meets God, her frank recognition of the complexities of newfound faith were unpredictable and charming. As she takes up the question of sex and chastity in her new book Real Sex, her candor is not only resonant, it is uniquely insightful. In what seems likely to emerge as a critical resource for any Christian seeking to pursue a coherent sexual ethic in a hyper-sexualized culture, Winner effectively redefines the scope of Christian sexual ethics to incorporate realities-as-they-really-are within the church. She emphasizes the profound relevance of Scripture and tradition as a remedy, while articulating a winsome, yet bold challenge for the Church to be less modest about its call to chastity.

It’s no surprise to anyone who watches television or shops at a mall that traditional sexual morality is on the decline. According to current statistics, about 65 percent of teenagers have sex before they finish high school and approximately 75 percent of adults have sex before they get married. What may come as a surprise, however, is how steep the decline is—not only within the culture, but also within the Church. In the 1990’s three separate surveys of single Christians showed only one-third of unmarried Christians are virgins. Likewise, of the students and young adults who signed abstinence pledges as part of religious sex-ed programs, 61 percent of students broke their pledge and of the 39 percent who kept it, 55 percent admitted to having oral sex, which they didn’t consider to be sex.

For some, these statistics supply more-than-justifiable grounds to rant about the weakened moral fabric of American culture. But for Winner, these statistics simply identify a growing need within the Church that faith, scripture, discipline and community are sufficient to address; she offers hope in what could otherwise be deemed a hopeless situation.

Central to her evenhanded call is a strong reliance on the truth that our bodies are good (as are our desires when rightly ordered) and that Scripture offers a much more coherent and comprehensive sexual ethic than is typically communicated in classic virginity-centric models of ministry. As she puts it,

To organize one’s Christian sexual ethics around virginity is to turn sexual purity and sexual sin into a light switch you can flip—one day you’re sexually righteous, and the next day, after illicit loss of your virginity, you’re a sinner.

This is not to suggest that Winner thinks pre-marital virginity is unimportant. Rather she refuses to indulge the slippery slope, how-far-is-too-far question, pushing the reader to explore and consider the depth and richness of God’s full story of creation, wholeness and redemption. She rejects what German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer might call the “cheap grace

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By Robert Irwin, May 15, 2008 10:16 am

This past week, there was an interesting thread in our Christian Marriage Forum.

One of the women in the forum was raving (well, actually her husband was raving) about a sexual technique that we detail in Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife.

With the weekend approaching fast, it might be a cool technique that you want to try!

One of the primary ways for a female to DRAMATICALLY increase her sexual pleasure, responsiveness and satisfaction is by exercising and developing her “PC muscle” (pubococcygeus muscle).

These exercises are sometimes referred to as “kegels.”

Increasing the strength of the female PC muscle provides a multitude of POWERFUL sexual results. But, one of the side benefits is that it gives a woman the ability to “squeeze” and “pull” on her husband’s penis, during intercourse.

This can create an UNBELIEVABLY PLEASURABLE sensation for both husband and wife.

If your PC muscle is already strong, try this when you get a chance.

When your husband is inside of you, ask him to stay relatively still and utilize your vaginal walls (and PC muscle) to squeeze, massage and pull on your husband’s penis.

I guarantee he will be thrilled.

If your PC muscles are not quite so strong (happens much after child birth), then you should consider doing PC muscle exercises (as outlined in SSCW) so that you can try this fun activity.

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By Robert Irwin, March 19, 2008 9:21 am

There was a very interesting thread posted in our Christian Marriage Forum last week.

A Christian wife was concerned that her husband was “weird” for desiring a certain type of sex act with her. She wanted to know what the others in the forum felt about this particular situation.

As you know, if you have read either Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband or Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife, Scripture is very clear on what is prohibited (and what is not) within the marriage bed.

And, with very few exceptions, anything done with “good faith” and “charity” should be considered an option within the Christian marriage bed.

As C. S. Lewis says in “The Malcolm Letters”…

“Sex in itself cannot be moral or immoral any more than gravitation or nutrition. The sexual behavior of human beings can. And like their economic, or political, or agricultural, or parental or filial behavior, it is sometimes good and sometimes bad. And the sexual act, when lawful-which means chiefly when consistent with good faith and charity-can, like all other merely natural acts (“whether we eat or drink etc.,” a the apostle says), be done to the glory of God, and will then be holy. And like other natural acts it is sometimes so done, and sometimes not.”

The analogy of our sexuality and marriage bed being a “crucible” in which our two souls are combined and refined through our mutuality and love is one of my favorites.

And, as I have mentioned before, I ascribe to Dr. David Schnarch’s idea that the best way to ensure a happy marriage and sex life is NOT to rely ONLY on those activities that you are both 100% comfortable with and excited about. It is better to teach yourself how to be more and more comfortable with those activities that your spouse enjoys. Through this process, you expand your comfort zones and you learn how to better please your spouse.

In this view, it is more noble for a couple to, unselfishly focus on better pleasing their spouse…as opposed to “honoring” the past “rules” and “comfort zones.”

With this approach, a Couple can experience an exciting, mutual sexual journey…that can last a lifetime.

Within this thread on the forum, one of our moderators, Pastor Meleney Kriel, author of the new book, Undefiled, brought up a related concept that made me scream, “Exactly! Yes!” when I read her words.

She wrote…

“You are your husband’s only sexual partner.

If your husband is going to have his sexual needs legitimately met, it will be by you and no one else.

If you don’t meet his needs, and to a certain extent his wants, he goes “hungry.”

There is no substitute wife who can fill in for you.

It’s a scary and vulnerable place to be for a husband.

Your husband needs for you to be his sexual partner. If you don’t, he has no legitimate place to turn.

He craves that intimacy ~ physically, emotionally, relationally and, I believe, spiritually.

Please be aware of this need and the lack of other options for filling that need.

I do not believe that this is an insignificant need. Sexuality is an integral part of both men and women.”

Of course this concept applies to both husbands and wives. But the basic thought is the same…

Your spouse has only YOU available to properly and completely express their sexuality.

So, assuming that your spouse’s desires are within those activities that are “undefiled” within the Christian marriage bed, then you have a choice to make…

Will you focus ONLY on your past “rules” and “comfort zones” (i.e. your needs) or your spouse’s desires and interests (i.e. their needs)?

Of course, in a good marriage, the answer will be BOTH…at different times.

But, focusing ONLY on one or the other can lead to a less than fulfilling sexual relationship.

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By Robert Irwin, March 3, 2008 11:22 am

As you may know, we just released two new resources, Tastefully Illustrated Sexual Positions For Christian Couples and Sexual Fun And Games For Christian Couples.

And, the success of these new product introductions made me think about how proud I am of our readers and visitors. So many of you are willing to try new things in order to improve your married sex life.

It also reminded me of one of the concepts of one of our favorite Marriage/Sex Therapists, David Schnarch, Ph.D..

Most “old school” marriage and sexual therapists promote the concept that couples should be hyper conscious and respectful of each other’s “comfort zones” (sexual and otherwise).

Dr. Schnarch is famous for disagreeing with this approach.

In his opinion, this is EXACTLY what causes boredom and problems in a married sex life.

One spouse draws a circle that includes only those activities that he/she are “comfortable” with. The other spouse draws their circle. Then, the couple is limited to only only doing those activities that happen to fall in the area where those two circles intersect. The couple is then “stuck” with a very small list of activities…forever!

Instead of focusing only on those things that each is currently 100% comfortable with, Dr. Schnarch suggests that you focus on learning how to “self sooth” or expand your personal “comfort zones,” sexually.

In his opinion, in a successful marriage, it is more important that each individual becomes stronger individuals…than lesser for the sake of the relationship.

This type of expanding of “comfort zones” is very relevant, especially when trying new things you would find in these two new resources.

If you would like to read more from Dr. Schnarch, there is an interview on his website here.

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By Robert Irwin, February 29, 2008 2:55 pm

Are you ready to take the sexual part of your Christian marriage to the next level?

Are you ever at a loss for new and exciting sexual ideas or activities?

Do you wish that creating the perfect, sensual and intimate evening was as easy as pointing and clicking?

Well, now it is that easy…

In just minutes from now, you can have the most comprehensive resource of fun, sexy and creative sex ideas for Christian couples ever…right at your fingertips.
“Sexual Fun And Games For Christian Couples,” our latest resource for Christian couples is now available and ready for your immediate download!

This book includes…

-Over 300 “Intimate Questions” and sexual conversation starters.

-Over 50 Ideas For “home made” sexual accessories.

-Over 30 Ideas For Exciting Sexual Environments.

-Over 200 Sex Games And Activities

-Over 100 Creative Lovemaking Techniques

What you won’t find…

-Soft core photos

-Questions or suggestions that don’t factor in your Christian beliefs about things that should be “off limits” for Christian couples

-Vulgar language or descriptions of body parts or sexual acts.

And, as always, as a subscriber to our newsletter, YOU can get your own copy, before anyone else, and at our “Subscribers Only” introductory price and save $20.00!

Since we were a little late getting this offer out today, we are going to make this offer a “72 Hour Special.”

You have all weekend (until Monday, March 3rd @ Noon, EST) to get your copy at the special, low introductory price.

This is a perfect way to guarantee that this weekend (and every weekend) is fun and exciting!

You can take advantage of your special discount pricing here.

Have a great weekend.

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By Robert Irwin, January 31, 2008 12:38 pm

This weeks issue of the Christian Marriage Secrets Newsletter has been posted.

You can read it here.

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By Robert Irwin, January 7, 2008 9:16 am

The following article was written by Terre Grable, LPC-MHSP. Terre Grable is a Christian licensed professional counselor. She enjoys helping couples strengthen their marriages and enjoy more intimacy with one another. You can find more articles by Terre at www.greatchristiansex.com.

Many Christian married couples have yet to experience a fulfilling sexuality. Yet, it is an essential ingredient for a vital Christian marriage. Here are 7 barriers to a fun and fulfilling lovemaking for Christian married couples…

1. Not knowing what God says about sex

The first commandment God gave was to engage in sex (Genesis 1: 27-28.) God had just created humanity in His image, commanded them to be “fruitful and multiply”, and then commented “it was good” (Genesis 1:31.Doesn’t it seem like this was important to Adam and Eve.

2. Talking very little with your spouse about sexuality or your preferences.

When couples can share with their spouse about sexuality or their sexual preferences, intimacy is created. An emotional bond results from the intimate level of vulnerability on a conversational level. A great place to start talking about sex is to share what lovemaking means to you emotionally, how frequent you would like to have sex, and even times of the day or specific days.

3. Engaging out of obligation, rather than enjoyment

Many believe sex was solely intended for procreation, rather than recreation. To the contrary, the poetic references in the Song of Solomon describe lovemaking that is enjoyable and anticipated. Feel free to have some fun with sex with different positions and places. However, all must be with respect for your spouse’s considerations. I Corinthians 1:4 states that our bodies belong to our mates, not just us. It is written from a spirit of equality, where both spouses are to serve one another, rather than one controlling the other. If one spouse forces his/her sexual preference regardless of their spouse’s dislike, then abuse has taken place.

4 Failure to plan

Many couples, Christians especially, are sexually frustrated. True, there can be some difference in sexual appetites. However, more often infrequency is the cause. Sex is never convenient, but is critical to a vital relationship. Plan for sex like you would any other appointment. Rather than thinking of this as stale, consider that it allows you and your spouse time to plan for the special time together. Planning also alleviates any concerns for sexual deprivation and sexual pressure.

5. Using sex as a reward or punishment

Sex is often used as a reward for some positive behavior. Or it can be withheld when one spouse is angry with the other. Couples destroy intimacy and trust when their sexuality becomes a bartering system. Because of its vulnerability, lovemaking must be unconditional to be meaningful. Find other ways to thank your spouse, and healthy ways to overcome your resentments.

6. Unresolved sexual abuse issues

Sexual abuse issues follow spouses into marriage. Victims of sexual abuse may have an aversion to lovemaking, or experience painful reminders of the past. For some, there may be a distortion of healthy sexuality. If you have been wounded from sexual abuse, realize that you did nothing to deserve this. Furthermore, there is hope. I encourage you to find a counselor that specializes in this area, and begin the road to recovery. It is one thing to survive sexual abuse, and another to overcome it.

7. Pornography

The most significant destructive force to a healthy sex life is pornography. And yes, I am talking about Christian marriages. Images are burned into a person’s mind, thereby creating an insatiable thirst for more erotic behavior, or harmful behaviors. Some couples have stated the use of pornography enhances their sex life. I disagree. Not only is it degrading, but it fosters empty relationships by focusing on the physical rather than love. If your marriage has experienced the pain of pornography, I encourage you to find a professional counselor to help you rebuild the trust in your marriage.

In my experience as a Christian counselor, a lot of confusion exists amongst married couples regarding a healthy Christian sex life. The reality is that God has given sex as a gift for married couples to embrace rather than tolerate, or misuse. You do not have to look far to find out how society has contaminated sexuality. As Christians, let’s change our culture by strengthening our marriages with a healthy Christian sexuality.

On Terre’s site, she recommends Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband and Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife. So, of course, we think she is pretty smart.

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By Robert Irwin, November 26, 2007 10:01 am

For years, we have received emails that doubt the existence of the female G-Spot.

And, for years, we have taught Christian married couples how to find, stimulate and enjoy the female G-Spot.

Recently, we have included a comprehensive video guide to the female G Spot as part of The Ultimate Christian Sex Library.

Now, if you are still doubting…doctors are offering “G Spot Amplification” outpatient procedures.

Below, a doctor explains the procedure…

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By Robert Irwin, September 5, 2007 1:16 pm

Christian Sex Education

Yesterday, I received the following email…

Dear Robert and Susan:

Thank you both for the work you have and are doing!

Without going into to much history, about 18 months ago the Lord led us on a quest to educate the married members of our Church on sexual intimacy. We presented the outline to our pastor and he blessed it. After gathering and reading much material, your books included, we prepared the first class. It has now developed into a 13 hour seminar. During the last seminar it became very clear to us that we need to develop a series to teach parents the when, how, why, and where of teaching their kids about sex. We don’t have to tell you that the majority of Christians enter marriage ill prepared for the love making process as God intended. To say nothing that kids are talking about recreational sex at the grade and middle school level now.

We have got to protect and prepare our children. To that end, we are working on this series. Our thrust is going to be principally to parents of young children as that appears to be the most fertile or effective ground.

Now to the point. Do you have any Christian sources you would recommend based on your research to get us started?

God Bless!

I’m not sure that these nice people will be happy with my opinion, but, here goes…

The PRIMARY source of Christian sex education for Christian children needs to be their parents.

And, like most things, what you teach your children about sex and sexuality has MORE to do with what you SHOW them than what you TELL them.

Christian kids live in two different worlds every day; your home (and church) and “the world” (school, their friends, television, movies, the Internet).

In my opinion, the best Christian sex education technique is to constantly and systematically shatter the invisible walls that naturally separate these two worlds. You must ACTIVELY insert yourself into their (non home, non church) world by OBSERVING, PARTICIPATING and COMMUNICATING with them about BOTH worlds.

I have four teenagers. So, the last six or seven years have been a real opportunity for me to “walk the walk” in this area.

My oldest is a sixteen-year-old girl (yeah…talk about stress!) and I have four boys, as well. So, my experience in this area is NOT theoretical.

Many parents take one of two (wrong) approaches when it comes to influencing their children in matters of morality (or sexuality):

1) They give “the world” too much power; they act as if everything and anything that exists outside the walls of their home and/or church is evil and negative.

2) They give “the world” too little power; they assume that everything is fine because their kids are “perfect little angels” when around them.

Neither of these approaches is effective.

When you demonize EVERYTHING that is not part of your family and/or church, you force your kids to lie to you (and themselves?). If they are normal, healthy humans, they will desire to participate in their world. They will find passions for friends, sports, games…and the opposite sex. If you attempt to deny them these (normal and healthy) interests, they will learn to “compartmentalize” themselves into two different people…who they are with their parents…and who they are everywhere else.

If you aren’t conscious of the REAL dangers of today’s society, they may find themselves in perils that might have been avoided with a little bit of guidance from you. And, quite frankly, they may feel just a little TOO comfortable with the things of the world.

What is the solution?

Participation and communication.

You need to let your kids know that you are interested and supportive in ALL areas of their lives.

Do you know who their friends are?

Do you discuss their daily problems and struggles?

Are you supportive of who they are EVERYWHERE?

Can they talk to you (honestly) about ANYTHING? If they can’t, it is not just a problem with them. It is a problem with YOU. For some reason, at some point, they decided that you don’t care about anything outside of YOUR concerns (home, church, morality, etc.). So, since they have MUCH more than that going on in their lives, they don’t have much to talk to you about. YOU need to change this.

I guarantee that if your child (truly) believes that you are AS concerned about their current situation (as you are their “eternal destiny”), the floodgates of communication (and opportunities for influence) will open wide!

Now, this post was titled Christian sex education. But, I haven’t really talked much about sex.

That is because I feel that you have NO real opportunity to influence your children relative to sex…until you have EARNED it by doing the hard work of PROVING to them that you care about ALL of them (not just ensuring they meet your expectations, morally).

But, assuming that you have done that, I do have a few strong opinions about how we influence our children in the areas of sexuality…

1) They will be MORE influenced by our actions than by our words.

Do you and your spouse make a life-long (and faithful) marriage relationship look like an attractive thing?

Do you and your spouse appear happy, satisfied and fulfilled by the thing you are recommending to them (marriage, sex only in marriage)?

Do you (honestly) believe that your kids would desire to have a relationship like you and your spouse have?

Do you and your spouse DEMONSTRATE passion, love and romance? Or, does your relationship pale in comparison to the “love” and “romance” that they see in “the world?”

2) You must be ACTIVELY committed to understanding THEIR world (and temptations and struggles) and DEMONSTRATING your interest and empathy regarding THEIR lives.

Once your children trust that you CARE about their lives, they will be willing to communicate with you…and you will have the opportunity to influence them. But, this does not “just happen.” You have to ACTIVELY observe and participate in their world. This means that you have to demonstrate to them that you feel that THEIR lives are just as complex and important as YOURS.

3) You must believe that sex and sexuality are HOLY and GOOD things, created by God for their pleasure BEFORE you can convince them of this.

If you really don’t believe what you are “selling” than they never will.

The world makes sex and sexuality (in the wrong contexts) very attractive. If you are trying to convince your kids that sex is dirty or bad or unnecessary…you are fighting a losing battle.

What you should be “selling” is that sex (within God’s intended boundaries; i.e marriage) is BETTER, MORE EXCITING, MORE FULFILLING than anything they will find “in the world.”

Lastly, despite my daily immersion in the technical aspects of sex, I feel that the longer you can shield your kids from “the details,” the better.

Yes, Christian young people need very detailed explanations of the technical aspects of good sex (sometime before the honeymoon), but kids DON’T need to know these things much before that.

Yes, they need to know that the goal is to avoid “sex” until marriage. And, as they get to be older pre-teens, they need to know the risks (pregnancy, STDs). But, you can communicate most of this without “grossing them out” with the details.

Why do you think my kids don’t read this blog?

They have NO interest in seeing their dad talk about such things.

Thank God!