I wanted to give you a fourth of July weekend gift…a recommendation.
I just finished a book that I think you will find inspiring and valuable.
It is titled, “Just Do It,” by author Douglas Brown.
Douglas is a writer for The Denver Post.
After returning from a conference, he told his wife that he had learned that some of the men at the conference were part of “The 100 Day Club.” This “club” was a group of men that had NOT had sex for 100 days or more. The reasons for this lack of sex were different, but they were sharing the misery.
His wife thought that it might be a positive experiment to try the opposite tack…100 days of sex.
They did their experiment and the result was this book.
And this book is…really cool.
Although the book does detail (in some respect) their sex life, it is NOT graphic at all; it is, actually, fairly tame.
It is, ultimately, a love story. And, it is a real primer on the benefits of “real” married sex…not the “fake” kind of sex that you see in Hollywood movies or pornography.
At the end of their 100 day experiment, they were closer and more fulfilled.
Dr. Joy Davidson is a certified sex expert, licensed marriage and family therapist, based in New York. She is one of the advisers on the Love And Health site.
She is a ’secular’ sex expert and we don’t endorse everything that she (or her site) promotes, but I find the majority of her advice to be very solid.
I find her comments in the following video (below) to be particularly important and relevant to our audience. It deals with the recent assumption that females with a less than nymphomaniacal desire for sex are…dysfunctional.
She is, specifically, addressing the fact that many in the health fields (read: Pharmaceutical companies) have a vested interest in making women feel ‘dysfunctional’ for having what, most likely, is a ‘normal’ level of sexual desire…given their age and situation.
The ‘pharmaceutical factor’ that has changed the landscape of sexuality has both negative and positive consequences.
Now that many (especially older) men can solve the ‘natural’ decline in sexual powers through the magic of drugs such as Viagra, there has been a (negative) pressure put on women to ’step it up’ and begin to perform, sexually, in a way that was never expected of women (of a ‘certain age’) before; there is an assumption that their (formerly) normal level of sexual desire is now…a dysfunction.
The positive consequence of this situation is that (some) focus has begun to be placed on the reasons for female lack of sexual desire.
Although the pharmaceutical companies hope that we buy into the idea that this ‘dysfunction’ can be solved via a ‘magic pill,’ many others are starting to focus on the real reasons for much lack of female desire…relational, emotional, physical (normal aging) and…the lack of technical skill of their husbands.
If you have been a reader of this blog for any amount of time, you know that we completely agree.
Most of the ’sex problems’ that we deal with here have NOTHING to do with sex; they are relationship problems. It is IMPOSSIBLE to expect a fully functioning and exciting and fulfilling sex life when the relationship has gaps or problems. Before expecting progress in the bed room, many couples will have to face the reality that their relationship is lacking and shore it up first. And, if the problems in the bedroom seem to originate with a lack of desire on the part of the woman, then you may need to explore WHY she doesn’t feel desire. Does she feel loved, supported, cared for, emotionally fed in all other areas?
Once the relationship is on solid ground, it is necessary that you explore the ‘technical’ aspects of your lovemaking.
In Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband, we explore the ‘technical’ factors (and techniques) that the husband MUST understand to provide ‘a fighting chance’ for the woman to achieve sufficient satisfaction to allow natural desire to ‘kick in.’
If the relationship is positive and solid and you have addressed the ‘technical’ factors and (this is the important question) you both still feel that your overall lack of desire is less than you would like, then you MIGHT want to consider pharmaceutical approaches.
Dr. Davidson says…
Now, this is probably bad news for anybody who wants life to fit into neat categories, who prefers to see things in black and white rather than shades of grey. But for women who can accept that sexuality is as individual as personality, it’s good to know that there are millions of “normals
If I were forced to summarize our coaching experience into three keys to a successful Christian marriage, they would be:
1) Go to God.
Some of you are dealing with truly REAL and difficult problems that have NO simple or easy solutions. Consequently, your first (and best) action should be to put your trust in the the ONLY place that deserves your faith: God.
In Proverbs, we are told…
3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
3:6
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Does your marriage relationship seem hopeless?
Follow the advice of Scripture above and 1)Trust God 2) Stop relying upon your own understanding 3)”Acknowledge God “in all thy ways.”
I confess that there are days where I am giving advice to other Christians about “going to God” and (at the exact same time) dealing with a personal problem or fear that “seems” hopeless.
Usually, it is not until AFTER I have heard myself say, “Go to God” that I realize that I have NOT been taking my own advice.
At this time, I make it a point to do something symbolic. I don’t just say a quick “thought prayer” to God. I go to my room. I get on my knees and I (out loud) speak to God about what I am dealing with. Secondly, I ask those close to me to to also ” go to God” for me.
I can’t guarantee you that any of your problems will instantly and easily disappear, but I can promise you that God is willing able and faithful to meet your needs.
2) Be willing to be vulnerable.
If you start by trusting that God is “watching your back,” it is easier to take “step two.” Step two is making yourself vulnerable.
Marriage relationships (especially) can be impossibly difficult if one (or both) partners are unwilling to be vulnerable.
REAL and truly fulfilling marriage relationships are impossible without the risk (vulnerability) of being disappointed, hurt or angered. If you are more interested in protecting yourself from the emotional pain of being disappointed, hurt or angered…then you are committed to improving the relationship…you MUST be vulnerable.
How many times are you supposed to be willing (vulnerable) to this pain and disappointment?
If you get past “seventy times seven,” then we can talk.
3) Communication.
The most important determining factor of ANY successful marriage relationship is communication.
Couples that communicate their needs, feelings and desires consistently succeed; those that do not…don’t. It really is as simple as that, in some respects.
Figuring out the “why” you don’t communicate may not be as simple. But, knowing that establishing real and honest communication is critical is a given.
Although, in my experience the number one reason that couples don’t communicate is because (surprise) they aren’t willing to 1) Trust God and 2) Make themselves vulnerable.
So, all in all, it is a logical progression:
1)Go to God
2)Make yourself vulnerable (yes…again!)
3)Start communicating your real thoughts, desires, needs, disappointments, fears. Not just the ones that are easy to express…all of them.
As you know, I always like to try to end the week on “an up note.”
And, I want to do that this week, as well.
I wrote the above post after finding a video for a great song by the band Switchfoot (a popular Christian band).
The song is called, “I dare you to move.”
The basic feeling I always get when I listen to this song is that God wants me to DO SOMETHING REAL; he wants me to MOVE TOWARD HIM…MOVE TOWARD MY STRENGTHS…MOVE TOWARD MY WIFE.
It is only when we MOVE that God is able to help us; he can’t do it while we stand frozen in our fears and disappointments regarding the past.
The video is below the following lyrics.
Enjoy. Have a great weekend. And…MOVE!
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next
[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
[Chorus]
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before
Our current culture is OBSESSED with the superficial. And, even as Christians, it is sometimes difficult to avoid being influenced by this obsession.
Sometimes the only way to overcome the silliness of our culture is to mock it.
Below is a very funny parody of the show Dr. 90210. It is titled, “Extreme Makeover: Baby Edition.”
It (very effectively) mocks the world’s obsession with being physically perfect.
Don’t let yourself get caught up in this silliness. According to Psalms 139:14, you are “fearfully and wonderfully made” by the Creator God of the universe!
Don’t let your obsession with losing “the last five pounds” or eliminating a few (well earned) wrinkles distract you from your real mission in life.
And, for goodness sake, DON”T wait until you feel you are living up to society’s ridiculously shallow expectations to LIVE YOUR LIFE ABUNDANTLY!
I GUARANTEE that your spouse will more appreciate a loving, thoughtful and supportive attitude from you than he/she will care about those “crows feet.”
1) Change your expectations. Believe that you have the ability to become multi-orgasmic.
2) Take an ACTIVE role in your sexual interactions; participate and coordinate your sexual interactions to maximize your pleasure and ability to achieve orgasm.
3) Focus on your clitoris. Most women need direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm.
4) Strengthen your pelvic area with exercises such as “kegels.”
The video below discusses some of the common methods to move towards achieving orgasm. It also specifically mentions some valuable “exercise” devices that will help you with the most critical factor necessary to being orgasmic; a strong pelvic area…
-The myth that that women have two completely distinct types of orgasms (vaginal or clitoral) and that one is “better” than another (clitoral is an “immature” type) was started by our favorite fraud, Freud.
-This myth has NO basis in scientific fact.
-50-70% of women cannot achieve orgasm through penile thrusting alone; they need some type of direct or indirect clitoral stimulation.
-If you want to increase your chances of achieving female orgasm through intercourse, you must ACTIVELY utilize positions or movements that directly or indirectly stimulate the woman’s clitoris.
-Communicating what is pleasurable and what is not is critical to sexual satisfaction.
As we have discussed before, the available “Christian sex” or “Christian sex advice” resource pool is fairly small. So, not every resource that we recommend as valuable will be 100% consistent with our (or your) Christian values.
If we have posted the video on these pages, we simply endorse the “technical” value of the information contained within the video. Feel free to take the other information contained “with a grain of salt.”
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