Last year, I posted the video (below) titled “How To Turn Your Wife Into A Sex Goddess In Three Easy Steps.”

Afterwards, I received a few angry emails from husbands that felt I was perpetuating the “myth” that “if only” they were more helpful around the house, their wives would be more “helpful” in bed. They swore that they were practically “house husbands” and their wives were still not interested in sex.

Well…

1) It was just an attempt at humor. We really don’t believe that every husband that helps around the house is (automatically) overwhelmed with too much sex.

2) There was a grain of truth. MANY women do tell us that they would be MUCH more available in bed, if they were less tired and stressed because their husband’s were helping them with some of the household chores.

But, I think that “turnabout is fairplay.” So, I have also included a video from the man’s perspective. It is a Folgers commercial from the 50’s. And, I feel that it accurately (not really) expresses the quickest and easiest way for a woman to spark romance and respect within her husband.

Please no emails on these…they are only intended to give you a chuckle.

We receive quite a few unsolicited testimonials for our various products.

I thought I would share this one with you because it highlights ONE approach that you may find helpful if you are struggling to ignite your spouse’s sexual interest and desire.

As I have said (many times), it is sometimes silly to believe that your problem is communication (not always).

Sometimes, you and your spouse know EXACTLY what each other wants and needs…it’s just that one of you doesn’t care enough to overcome their own “issues” regarding sex.

Sometimes, they need to be exposed to SOMETHING/SOMEONE else that will light that fire.

It’s the whole “prophet in his home town” thing.

Your spouse may love you to death. But, you are still JUST their spouse. What do YOU know?

If you don’t believe this is true, you should listen into some of my conversations with Sue where I attempt to persuade her (into something) with my status as a “sex expert.” HINT: It hasn’t worked yet!

Apparently, all it took for this husband’s wife to “come around,” (pun intended) was for her to be exposed to Susan’s Book, Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife. After she decided to read Sue’s book, there was an, almost, miraculous turnaround in their sex life.

This will not always work. I have hundreds of letters from spouses complaining that their spouse won’t even consider looking at a book about sex. But…sometimes…

I wanted to drop you a letter and let you know how thankful I am that you wrote your book.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and neither one of us has ever been with any other person sexually. To say we have had “sexual problems” over the years would be a massive understatement. In my opinion, our recurring problems were largely the result of woefully inadequate sex education within the evangelical community, but that is for a different day.

On many occasions, I tried to convince my wife that she needed to take a more active role in sex and that my true goal was her ultimate satisfaction. This led only to frustration, arguments, and the occasional all-out war.

Last weekend was a really bad weekend for us, including my wife’s declaration that she “hates sex.” Later she told me that what she really hated was what sex was doing to our marriage. I was able to convince her that we should get your book, which I had found online months ago.

We got your book on Monday morning and I scanned through it quickly. I had my doubts, as we had already heard most of the basic stuff before. My wife read the first 39 pages later that day while I was running errands. I do not know exactly what she read, but it is now 24 hours later and I can say that my wife has a completely different (and positive) attitude toward sex. Unfortunately, I was trying to force this attitude on her for years. Maybe she realized that some of the things I was saying were valid, or maybe you said things in a much better way. Her response to what she read in your book was much more positive than I expected.

Given out recent failings and fighting, I did not want to put much pressure on my wife so soon. But, it turned out that I did not need to ask her for anything at the outset because she, somewhat uncharacteristically, initiated a lot of things. We looked through more of the book together and concluded that we probably should not try the whole book in one night. I explained that it was fine with me if we tried for separate orgasms, with her going first – as my concern for years has been for her satisfaction and this seemed like an easy way to start.

For the first time I can remember, she offered to arouse me orally and did so while laughing and kissing me. We had tried direct clitoral stimulation hundreds of times before, but we had very little success with it. Now, she helped me do exactly what she needed and reaped the reward of one her best orgasms ever. After she said told me how good it was, my pleasure was easy.

Needless to say, I was amazed. Every caring husband wants his wife to feel this way and deserves to be part of a successful love-making process. I love her and I love loving her.

In fact, I felt so good about what happened between us, I could not stop thinking or dreaming about it. I asked if I could wake her for a “quick release” three hours later, then again fours hours after that. She agreed and was amazed at my remaining potency and quickness – and so was I. I’m not sure how this is even possible at my age. Now, I know we did not overcome all of our problems in one night, but it sure feels like we did.

God definitely had a big part in changing my wife’s attitude and mine. That said, your book was obviously the vehicle for His Will. We were completely out of options to solve our problems and had both given in to fighting. I had, for the first time, seriously considered giving up on our 20-year marriage. I knew giving up was the wrong answer, but I did not know the right answer. Everything we had tried failed miserably because we had very limited knowledge about our sexual problems.

I cannot explain how glad I am that God intervened and used you to help us in our time of need. My doubts and fears about our future together have melted into meaninglessness and irrelevance. Now, we both want to build on our good experiences instead of continuing to re-live bad ones, as we previously did.

Thank you again.

Sometimes…it DOES work…

The entertainment section of The London Times has an article describing the re-printing of a couple of famous marriage guides first printed in 1913.

They were written by Blanche Ebbutt and titled “Don’ts For Husbands” and “Don’ts for Wives.”

As with most of these types of “blasts from the past,” they can be both helpful (still) and slightly amusing.

If nothing else, it is always interesting to see how culture affects our views of the “rights and wrongs” within marriage.

From “Don’ts For Wives”:

*Don’t expect your husband to be an angel. You would get very tired of him if he were.

*Don’t let your husband wear a violet tie with grass-green socks. If he is unhappily devoid of the color sense, he must be forcibly restrained, but – don’t be sarcastic about your husband’s taste in dress.

*Don’t try to hard to regulate your husband’s pleasures, and don’t be jealous if they don’t always include you.

*Don’t try to excite your husband’s jealousy by flirting with other men. You may succeed better than you want to. It is like playing with tigers and edged tools and volcanoes all in one.

*Don’t bother your husband with a stream of senseless chatter if you can see that he is very fatigued.

*Don’t forget to wish your husband good morning when he sets off to the office. He will feel the lack of your good-bye kiss all day.

*Don’t moralize by way of winning back the love that seems to be waning. Make yourself extra charming and arrange delicious dinners which include all your husband’s favorite dishes.

From “Don’ts For Husbands “:

*Don’t be surprised, or annoyed, or disappointed, to find, after treating your wife for years as a featherbrain, that you have made her one, and that she fails to rise to the occasion when you need her help.

*Don’t slouch. No one who cares for a man likes to see him acquire a slouching habit.

*Don’t forget that characther is more important than genius. If you wife is a true woman, don’t worry about the rest.

*Don’t scowl or look severe. Cultivate a pleasant expression even if nature hasn’t blessed your wife with one.

* Don’t drop, when alone with your wife, the little courtesies you would offer to other women. For instance, always get up to open a door for her, as you would for a lady guest.

*Don’t insist upon having the last word. If you know when to drop an argument, you are a wise man.

*Don’t argue that a new hat isn’t necessary because there is nothing visibly wrong with the one she is wearing. You probably have forgotten that this is its third season, but she hasn’t.

*Don’t give up cricket, or football…or whatever outdoor sport you have been accustomed to just because you are married. Athletics will keep you from getting flabby.

*Don’t selfishly refuse to go out in the evening because you have been among people all day. Remember that you wife hasn’t and a change is good for her.

You might not follow all of the above to a “T,” but you could do worse for marriage advice!

And, if you want to leap forward a few decades for your advice…

You can learn from marriage preparation videos from the 50’s like the following:

The entertainment section of The London Times has an article describing the re-printing of a couple of famous marriage guides first printed in 1913.

They were written by Blanche Ebbutt and titled “Don’ts For Husbands” and “Don’ts for Wives.”

As with most of these types of “blasts from the past,” they can be both helpful (still) and slightly amusing.

If nothing else, it is always interesting to see how culture affects our views of the “rights and wrongs” within marriage.

From “Don’ts For Wives”:

*Don’t expect your husband to be an angel. You would get very tired of him if he were.

*Don’t let your husband wear a violet tie with grass-green socks. If he is unhappily devoid of the color sense, he must be forcibly restrained, but – don’t be sarcastic about your husband’s taste in dress.

*Don’t try to hard to regulate your husband’s pleasures, and don’t be jealous if they don’t always include you.

*Don’t try to excite your husband’s jealousy by flirting with other men. You may succeed better than you want to. It is like playing with tigers and edged tools and volcanoes all in one.

*Don’t bother your husband with a stream of senseless chatter if you can see that he is very fatigued.

*Don’t forget to wish your husband good morning when he sets off to the office. He will feel the lack of your good-bye kiss all day.

*Don’t moralize by way of winning back the love that seems to be waning. Make yourself extra charming and arrange delicious dinners which include all your husband’s favorite dishes.

From “Don’ts For Husbands “:

*Don’t be surprised, or annoyed, or disappointed, to find, after treating your wife for years as a featherbrain, that you have made her one, and that she fails to rise to the occasion when you need her help.

*Don’t slouch. No one who cares for a man likes to see him acquire a slouching habit.

*Don’t forget that characther is more important than genius. If you wife is a true woman, don’t worry about the rest.

*Don’t scowl or look severe. Cultivate a pleasant expression even if nature hasn’t blessed your wife with one.

* Don’t drop, when alone with your wife, the little courtesies you would offer to other women. For instance, always get up to open a door for her, as you would for a lady guest.

*Don’t insist upon having the last word. If you know when to drop an argument, you are a wise man.

*Don’t argue that a new hat isn’t necessary because there is nothing visibly wrong with the one she is wearing. You probably have forgotten that this is its third season, but she hasn’t.

*Don’t give up cricket, or football…or whatever outdoor sport you have been accustomed to just because you are married. Athletics will keep you from getting flabby.

*Don’t selfishly refuse to go out in the evening because you have been among people all day. Remember that you wife hasn’t and a change is good for her.

You might not follow all of the above to a “T,” but you could do worse for marriage advice!

And, if you want to leap forward a few decades for your advice…

You can learn from marriage preparation videos from the 50’s like the following:

There was a very interesting thread posted in our Christian Marriage Forum last week.

A Christian wife was concerned that her husband was “weird” for desiring a certain type of sex act with her. She wanted to know what the others in the forum felt about this particular situation.

As you know, if you have read either Sexual Skills For The Christian Husband or Sexual Satisfaction For The Christian Wife, Scripture is very clear on what is prohibited (and what is not) within the marriage bed.

And, with very few exceptions, anything done with “good faith” and “charity” should be considered an option within the Christian marriage bed.

As C. S. Lewis says in “The Malcolm Letters”…

“Sex in itself cannot be moral or immoral any more than gravitation or nutrition. The sexual behavior of human beings can. And like their economic, or political, or agricultural, or parental or filial behavior, it is sometimes good and sometimes bad. And the sexual act, when lawful-which means chiefly when consistent with good faith and charity-can, like all other merely natural acts (“whether we eat or drink etc.,” a the apostle says), be done to the glory of God, and will then be holy. And like other natural acts it is sometimes so done, and sometimes not.”

The analogy of our sexuality and marriage bed being a “crucible” in which our two souls are combined and refined through our mutuality and love is one of my favorites.

And, as I have mentioned before, I ascribe to Dr. David Schnarch’s idea that the best way to ensure a happy marriage and sex life is NOT to rely ONLY on those activities that you are both 100% comfortable with and excited about. It is better to teach yourself how to be more and more comfortable with those activities that your spouse enjoys. Through this process, you expand your comfort zones and you learn how to better please your spouse.

In this view, it is more noble for a couple to, unselfishly focus on better pleasing their spouse…as opposed to “honoring” the past “rules” and “comfort zones.”

With this approach, a Couple can experience an exciting, mutual sexual journey…that can last a lifetime.

Within this thread on the forum, one of our moderators, Pastor Meleney Kriel, author of the new book, Undefiled, brought up a related concept that made me scream, “Exactly! Yes!” when I read her words.

She wrote…

“You are your husband’s only sexual partner.

If your husband is going to have his sexual needs legitimately met, it will be by you and no one else.

If you don’t meet his needs, and to a certain extent his wants, he goes “hungry.”

There is no substitute wife who can fill in for you.

It’s a scary and vulnerable place to be for a husband.

Your husband needs for you to be his sexual partner. If you don’t, he has no legitimate place to turn.

He craves that intimacy ~ physically, emotionally, relationally and, I believe, spiritually.

Please be aware of this need and the lack of other options for filling that need.

I do not believe that this is an insignificant need. Sexuality is an integral part of both men and women.”

Of course this concept applies to both husbands and wives. But the basic thought is the same…

Your spouse has only YOU available to properly and completely express their sexuality.

So, assuming that your spouse’s desires are within those activities that are “undefiled” within the Christian marriage bed, then you have a choice to make…

Will you focus ONLY on your past “rules” and “comfort zones” (i.e. your needs) or your spouse’s desires and interests (i.e. their needs)?

Of course, in a good marriage, the answer will be BOTH…at different times.

But, focusing ONLY on one or the other can lead to a less than fulfilling sexual relationship.

A new product has just been released that claims to provide a non-prescription solution for female arousal issues.

It is called Zestra and is now available widely, over the counter.

On their website, they make the following claims…

Clinical studies show Zestra® increases arousal and pleasure, improving the satisfaction of both women and their partners.

Zestra®, the only women’s intimacy product clinically shown to quickly increase female sexual sensation, arousal and pleasure, is the topically applied, non-prescription solution that significantly enhances sexual satisfaction of women and their partners. Recommended by numerous books on women’s sexual health, Zestra is the leading women’s intimacy product in the United States and is sold at 40,000 retailers.

Applied during foreplay, Zestra is the long-awaited breakthrough for the 43 percent women that have problems with desire, arousal and enjoying satisfying sexual experiences. Leading women’s health professionals recommend Zestra because it’s the only clinically studied product available that effectively addresses female sexual problems. Zestra’s patented formula is the result of seven years of research and clinical testing.

Specifically designed for the sensitive needs of women, Zestra is hormone-free and does not contain potentially harmful synthetic chemicals or parabens. Parabens, which the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency views as disrupters of the body’s endocrine system, have been linked to breast cancer, lowered sperm counts and allergic reactions. Zestra is an all-natural formulation of two botanical oils and two extracts, protected by United States and European patents.

Zestra in particular helps women who are suffering sexual side effects resulting from menopause, depression, the use of SSRI anti-depressants, a hysterectomy, hormonal changes, diabetes, and aging.

Below is a news report I found about Zestra.

Please let us know if you try it. We would love to know your results.

Body Image–A Huge Problem For Small Self Esteem

Body image is a HUGE (excuse the pun) problem with women in the U.S. A recent Glamour Magazine survey found that 75% of women ages 18-35 believe they are fat. Even though only 60 percent actually are overweight, they have a skewed body image. The vast majority of women don’t see themselves as slender and attractive.

According to the 2000 census, the female population of the United States is over 140 million. This means over 84 million women in our country are overweight. Nearly 40 million women are medically obese. If thin women feel lousy about themselves, you know how large women feel. They have even more serious body image issues.

Researchers at Penn State who surveyed women about their sexual satisfaction found that the less attractive a woman felt, the less sexual desire and activity she experienced. Since women who are overweight are conditioned by society’s pervasive “thin is beautiful

I found this article by Jim Burns titled, “10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew About Men.”

You can find more from Jim at homeword.com.

The first five today…

It is likely no surprise to you that God has wired women and men differently. We all recognize some of these differences, but others often hide in plain sight. Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker recently wrote a fantastic book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. In it, she recounts the surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than one thousand of them. Not long ago, I had the opportunity to interview Shaunti for our radio broadcast, HomeWord with Jim Burns. In our discussion, we spoke about ten things guys wish women knew about men. I think you’ll find these ten things fascinating! Even more, I believe that in understanding these issues, you’ll be equipped to lead your marriage to a better place!

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
3. Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
5. Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.

I found an interesting post here at SmartPastor.com.

It is an article that addresses a recent trend in many “Christian marriage advice” circles…blame the husband.

An excerpt…

A good number of Christian marriage books run around and tell the husband and wife that it is the husband’s job to do what ever the wife asks, without question or hesitation. If he is a good enough servant, then she will be in the mood for sex and make him happy.

If your wife is not in the mood for sex, then it is the fault of the man. He was not a good enough servant for if you love your wife like Christ loves the church, she will want to have sex often and with passion.

Now, I realize that men are to serve their wifes and that most men I know (myself included) can do a much better job of serving their wives. But at the end of the day I think this way of reasoning gives permission for women to be selfish and men to become discouraged…if loving your wife like Christ loves the church is the key to being happy in marriage (at least in the area of sex), how many men are going to give up trying because they know they can never attain it?

If you are a regular or semi-regular participant in our Christian Marriage Forum, you know that one of our first “controversies” revolved around this issue.

We had asked a couple (a pastor and his wife) that has written several Christian marriage books to help moderate the forums.

Only after a few weeks, did we realize that they very much espoused the point of view that ALL (or at least 99%) of Christian marriage problems are caused by the husband.

Until this incident, to be honest, I was not even aware that there was such a point of view.

Apparently, those that espouse this view feel that the husband is primarily responsible for the success of Christian marriages.

If there is a problem in the marriage, it is because the husband is not 100% right with God.

If the wife is not following God…it is because the husband is not “the man of God” that he should be.

If the wife is cheating…it is because the husband is not “the man of God” that he should be.

Etc., etc….

The solution to any marriage problem lies with the husband becoming what God expects and following God’s leading.

If the husband does this, somehow (magically) the wife will automatically be changed into the perfect Christian wife and the marriage will move into perfect bliss.

Ummm…probably not.

This approach to marriage advice strikes me like a fad diet approach to losing weight. Christian couples that are struggling in their marriage are so desperate for a solution that they will put their hopes in almost anything…even something slightly nutty.

I also find it offensive in two ways.

As a Christian, I resist the idea that (whether husband or wife) God will unilaterally “force” one spouse to become “the perfect spouse,” irrespective of their interest or desire in doing so.

As a woman (if I were one), I would find it offensive that I was being treated like a mindless, responsibility-free robot to which the husband and God have complete control (I have no free will).

In thirty plus years of living as a Christian and over ten years of ad hoc counseling with other Christian couples, I have never once seen a situation where a marriage problem could be solved this easily and simply.

Is our advice and experience that God has the desire and ability to create relationship miracles? Of course.

Our first approach is always to “go to God.”

But, after that, it is absolutely necessary that BOTH spouses are committed to knowing God’s will for their marriage and DOING IT.

Will prayer for your spouse (sometimes) create HUGE changes in your spouse’s desire to follow God closer…and to improve the marriage? Yes. Absolutely.

But…

Both the husband and the wife are 100% responsible for both their relationship with God and the success of their marriage.

One spouse cannot “magically” change the other by getting “right with God.”

The above article caught my attention particularly because of the author’s question, “if loving your wife like Christ loves the church is the key to being happy in marriage (at least in the area of sex), how many men are going to give up trying because they know they can never attain it?”

If any of us are 100% responsible for the success of our marriage…and the only way we can achieve this success is by achieving “Christ-like” perfection…none of us have any hope.

In our experience, God does not wait until we achieve this “Christ-like” perfection until he is willing to work miracles in our relationships. If this was not the case, since there is no marriage in heaven, there would be no such thing as “a good Christian marriage.”